Kayla and I have been doing a course in \u201cFeminine Power.\u201d\u00a0 Some of the ideas have been very helpful. But recently I was finding it too abstract.\u00a0 She said the basic thing was to take 100% responsibility for our lives.\u00a0 I said I\u2019ve done that, which I have, but that I\u2019d lost the feeling of confidence and excitement about the \u201cSacred Sites\u201d presentation.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know any more whether I \u201creally want\u201d to do it.<\/p>\n
What Kayla said about 100% responsible, and trying to figure out what I \u201creally wanted\u201d to do \u2014 just flipped my life over, knocked it wide open.\u00a0 What do I want to do with what\u2019s left of my life?\u00a0 I really don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been expecting that if my actions were aligned with my true purpose then the universe would support me, but that\u2019s not what\u2019s been happening.\u00a0 The FP ladies said that the structures aren\u2019t in place for us to realize our destiny, so we have to create those structures as well.\u00a0 We have to commit to \u201cdoing what it takes.\u201d\u00a0 But I\u2019m no longer sure what is my \u201cdestiny.\u201d\u00a0 There was one woman who talked about eating very little so she could stay slender and \u201cattractive\u201d, and she realized that wasn\u2019t the best thing for her health, so she went out & bought fresh fruits and vegetables and started cooking properly to support herself.\u00a0 Given that for me just getting through the day involves a lot of effort, maybe I\u2019m not \u201csupposed\u201d to do any more.\u00a0 What if I just did what I want to?\u00a0 What comes up is the idea of taking care of myself as my first priority and forget the presentation.\u00a0 The other thing that comes up is spending a lot of time in my studio, just making things.\u00a0 Then I remember how hard it is for me to do that.\u00a0 Mostly I could only begin when I had the support of an art therapist.\u00a0 So I\u2019m feeling really lost and confused.
\nHow the HELL do I know what I \u201creally want\u201d to do?\u00a0 I say \u201cIf it could be any way at all\u201d…\u00a0 I\u2019d spend lot of time in my studio.\u00a0 But I know that\u2019s really difficult for me.\u00a0 What would it take?\u00a0 For me to heal enough so I COULD spend time in my studio making not art but what? silly little things?\u00a0 ugly paintings?\u00a0 Making \u201cugly paintings\u201d was great at motivating me to actually set brush to paper.<\/p>\n
I remembered the sense I had a while ago \u2014 that this was a new layer of trauma \u2014 and I was going to have to be patient and persistent, and do my best to be present to it.\u00a0 Of course, as soon as I woke up \u201cfine,\u201d I fell into the old trap of thinking \u201cI\u2019m fine now,\u201d and then when that turns out to be momentary, I fall into deep despair and helplessness.\u00a0 If I had been able to tell myself, yesterday morning, \u201cYes, you feel OK now, and that\u2019s very nice, but you\u2019re still dealing with the deep new layer of trauma, and you need to keep protecting yourself.\u201d\u00a0 Then maybe I would have been able to stop a friend\u2019s negative story before it got to be too much.<\/p>\n
What was originally a slide show of pictures of Megalithic Monuments (Stonehenge, Avebury, etc) was digitized and edited into an audio-visual DVD that could be projected, while I gave the commentary live.\u00a0 The work was done by Ben Moss, and I am enormously grateful for his amazing skills.<\/p>\n
Megalithic Slide Show<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Kayla and I have been doing a course in \u201cFeminine Power.\u201d\u00a0 Some of the ideas have been very helpful. But recently I was finding it too abstract.\u00a0 She said the basic thing was to take 100% responsibility for our lives.\u00a0 … Continue reading