{"id":3388,"date":"2012-12-09T11:22:30","date_gmt":"2012-12-09T16:22:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=3388"},"modified":"2012-12-10T19:43:06","modified_gmt":"2012-12-11T00:43:06","slug":"a-day-in-the-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=3388","title":{"rendered":"A Day in the Life"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cToday, like every other day, we wake up empty\/and frightened.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 I woke up with that heavy grey, tired feeling.\u00a0 I felt disappointed and discouraged to be waking up like this again again.\u00a0 Then I remembered that my work is to be with it.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t despair or grief, it\u2019s depression.\u00a0 How does that feel in my body?\u00a0 Heavy, grey, dull, like concrete.\u00a0 Can I bring compassion to it?\u00a0 There, there, it\u2019s so painful waking up like this again.\u00a0 There, there, it\u2019s not your fault.\u00a0 You have no control over brain chemistry. \u201cLord Jesus Christ have mercy on me.\u201d\u00a0 Now I feel the tears and the sadness.\u00a0 I love life, and I love the earth, and it\u2019s so painful not to be able to engage with them.\u00a0 Now there\u2019s a sharp cold pain in my chest.\u00a0 Completely accept.\u00a0 Compassion, compassion.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s tightened into an uncomfortable cramp.\u00a0 I can feel myself wanting it to go away.\u00a0 How about some compassion for the one who wants the pain to go away?\u00a0 There, there, dear.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry this is how your day begins.\u00a0 You are a good person, and you have a lot to offer, and yet every day you wake in this frozen hell.
\nWell, I could do some tonglen<\/a>.\u00a0 Think about all the people who are waking depressed this morning.\u00a0 I feel a wave of compassion and sorrow.\u00a0 I want to comfort them all.\u00a0 Breathe in depression, breathe out warmth and kindness.
\nChickadees coming to the suet feeder.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad to see them.\u00a0 Lynelle suggested that \u2014 she actually gave me the feeder and the suet to put in it \u2014 so I wouldn\u2019t have to scatter seed on the ground which brings the mice.\u00a0 She also suggested putting seed on a tarp that I could fold up and bring in at night.\u00a0 It functions pretty well, but it\u2019s a lot of work, and I can\u2019t put it out right away in the morning, I\u2019m too tired.\u00a0 and it makes too much noise so I can\u2019t do it before Lynelle puts the ribbon out that tells me she\u2019s awake.
\nDo I feel good about myself that I put so much effort into helping my friend?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 At least I\u2019m not doing it because I think I \u201cshould\u201d \u2014 that would bring up resentment.\u00a0 I\u2019m doing it because I want<\/span> to.\u00a0 But I miss the chickadees.\u00a0 I suppose I would feel better if my sacrifice actually accomplished anything.\u00a0 But Lynelle hasn\u2019t been able to sleep more than 4 hours a night and it\u2019s not because of the mice.\u00a0 Dear Jenny, you are a very caring person, and you really love your friend, and you want to help her as much as you can, even if it\u2019s a sacrifice.
\nSo now I can put in the disclaimer \u2014 look!\u00a0 I\u2019ve spent this whole time turned inward.\u00a0 what a waste of time.\u00a0 And I say no<\/span>.\u00a0 This is how I heal.<\/p>\n

Typing this up, I gain a little perspective.\u00a0 I remember the winter of 2008, and how much worse I felt then than I do now.\u00a0 And although I complain about \u201cmissing the chickadees\u201d they are there now, it\u2019s just that it was easier to toss out seed than to struggle with the tarp.<\/p>\n

Today, like every other day we wake up
\nempty and frightened.\u00a0 Don’t open the door to the study
\nand begin reading.\u00a0 Take down a musical instrument.<\/p>\n

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
\nThere are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Rumi, from Open Secret, translation by John Moyne and Coleman Barks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cToday, like every other day, we wake up empty\/and frightened.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 I woke up with that heavy grey, tired feeling.\u00a0 I felt disappointed and discouraged to be waking up like this again again.\u00a0 Then I remembered that my work is to … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,9,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3388","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-journal","category-present-day"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3388","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3388"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3388\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3388"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3388"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3388"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}