From feeling great I fell into depression again.\u00a0 At least this time I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019ve fallen back into old ways.\u00a0 It\u2019s clear that this is a new layer of old stuff.\u00a0 It reminds me of my \u201cTray of Cups\u201d theory of depression.\u00a0\u00a0 It goes like this.\u00a0 You know those big rolling carts they have in cafeterias, that hold numerous trays of cups stacked inside?\u00a0 When you want a cup of coffee or tea, you go pick a cup off the tray.\u00a0 If it\u2019s the last cup, and you think that\u2019s the end, with that weight taken off, a whole new tray of cups rises into view.\u00a0 I used to think that in psychological healing you would make some gains, and be feeling pretty good, in fact just well enough to face the next layer of sh-t which is waiting down there. And comes right up to confront you.<\/p>\n
I also had a \u201cferris wheel\u201d theory.\u00a0 When I start to go down I resist it at first.\u00a0 It turns out that the worst time is this period of resistance.\u00a0 Finally I\u2019d give in, accept that I was depressed, fall forward into it, and the momentum would carry me through the bottom spot and then I\u2019d be on the upswing of the cycle.\u00a0\u00a0 This worked for me when I was just dealing with situational depression.\u00a0 Sometimes it still works brilliantly, sometimes it doesn\u2019t and I realize that I\u2019m just \u201caccepting\u201d depression to make it go away, and that\u2019s not really accepting.\u00a0 That\u2019s the trickiest thing about this whole business.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m in this place now where I\u2019m feeling pretty profound despair.\u00a0 I\u2019m doing my best to hold it gently and with compassion.\u00a0 But I\u2019m still angry at myself for not \u201cdoing better.\u201d\u00a0 What do you mean you\u2019re not going to go a little bit out of the way to get eggs at the farmstand?\u00a0 How hard can that be?\u00a0 Well it was too hard today, coming back from the vet\u2019s and worrying about my little dog.\u00a0 I have to forgive myself for not being able to do a lot of things I wouldn\u2019t have any trouble with if I had more energy and confidence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From feeling great I fell into depression again.\u00a0 At least this time I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019ve fallen back into old ways.\u00a0 It\u2019s clear that this is a new layer of old stuff.\u00a0 It reminds me of my \u201cTray of … Continue reading