I haven’t posted anything for a while.\u00a0 I was sick, and then happy and busy, and then depressed again.\u00a0 It took me awhile to figure out what had triggered the depression, then it occurred to me that it was “fear of success.”<\/p>\n
Yesterday, driving back from the Co-op, it felt like a hostile world again.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t had that feeling in a long time.\u00a0 I remember when it changed, a few years ago, I was so surprised to feel friendliness in the landscape, and realized that my whole life had been lived in a hostile universe.\u00a0 It went back & forth a few times, and then it settled in and I started taking it for granted.\u00a0 I think I must be dealing with a layer of trauma that\u2019s just been uncovered or released for the first time.\u00a0 It looks like it\u2019s going to take a long time to heal, it\u2019s big and old and deep in my psyche.\u00a0 Astonishingly, I feel quite capable of doing the work.\u00a0 It will require patience and persistence, but I\u2019ve been building those skills.\u00a0 Hard to believe, but I\u2019m facing the pain in my heart and the hostile landscape with confidence.\u00a0 I\u2019ve done this before and I can do it again.<\/p>\n
Only a few hours after writing this, I felt really hopeless, what was the point in going on.\u00a0 And then some part of me said with fierceness, \u201cDon\u2019t let this keep you down.\u201d<\/p>\n
August 2010
\nIt was good to be with so many people during the day.\u00a0 My fear diminished to a bare whisper.\u00a0 I keep trying to find words for it.\u00a0 I see the beautiful day and it\u2019s painful, as though I lacked a layer of skin so everything that touches me is painful.\u00a0 I can see the beauty of the day, but I experience it as pain.\u00a0 This morning writing about how hard it is to get it that people love me, I wonder if it\u2019s a feeling that it\u2019s not OK to be here.\u00a0 That\u2019s back to proving that I have a right to exist.\u00a0 I feel like I have no right to exist and no right to enjoy the beauty.\u00a0 If I could experience people loving me would that change?\u00a0 Yes, it\u2019s really like the whole landscape is hostile to me.\u00a0 I remember that time, years ago now, that I felt the landscape welcome me and it was noticably different from what I was used to feeling.\u00a0 I wondered at the time if that was how someone would feel who had been loved from birth.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I haven’t posted anything for a while.\u00a0 I was sick, and then happy and busy, and then depressed again.\u00a0 It took me awhile to figure out what had triggered the depression, then it occurred to me that it was “fear … Continue reading