(Written in February 2003)
\nYesterday I was thinking that I had this wonderful new technique for transforming my life, that my relationship with terror and despair is completely different.\u00a0 Well, actually that\u2019s still true.\u00a0 Just because the misery doesn\u2019t change right away doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m not doing the practice.\u00a0 There\u2019s a quality of hopelessness this morning, and then the feeling that life is a chore, a difficult unrewarding task that nevertheless I must go on with.\u00a0 I see Jenny in her disappointment with herself this morning, and my heart goes out to her.\u00a0 It\u2019s not hopeless at all, it\u2019s just difficult.\u00a0 At least when the misery comes I turn to it as my first priority.\u00a0 Nothing is more important than healing my relationship with myself.\u00a0 I think that, because this is so, when I take a break from the work I\u2019m able to be free to enjoy life instead of having the misery around me like a cloud.
\nI see what\u2019s so strange this morning \u2014 disconcerting and disorienting.\u00a0 Spending time with myself and especially taking good care of myself has always felt like the most god-awful chore and burden, and now suddenly it\u2019s my top priority.\u00a0 So I\u2019m going against all that old conditioning that Jenny is worthless and not worth spending time, energy, patience, mercy, tenderness, on.<\/p>\n
This is a practice<\/em>, dear Jenny, obviously you are not going to be good at it right away.\u00a0 Just because you are now moving toward yourself in misery instead of away does not mean you are any more skillful at it than you were before.\u00a0 You\u2019re working on transforming the habits of a lifetime, of course it\u2019s hard.\u00a0 You\u2019re offering caring and patience to that little girl who is so disappointed and hating herself for being disappointed, and whose parents never took the time to be with her, just pushed her away when she was upset and needing comfort and wise guidance.<\/p>\n Came back from massage bummed out.\u00a0 But it\u2019s different from the usual bummed out because it has to do with remorse for having directed so much hate and anger at a little person who was just doing the best she could with no models or examples or guidance.\u00a0 It\u2019s very clear to me that this is where the work is, to bring mercy & compassion to the anger, hatred, and remorse.\u00a0 To forgive myself for having treated myself so badly.\u00a0 To go into those unpleasant states instead of trying to run away or change them.\u00a0 To let all the pain in.\u00a0 And then I become aware of how much I don\u2019t want to feel the pain.\u00a0 A temptation to make myself wrong for that, and immediate understanding that I must allow myself to feel how much I don\u2019t want to feel the pain, how much I have run away and denied, and how I have refused to believe that the damage was really that bad, and kept on pushing a \u201cshell shocked\u201d person to do things that were too hard for her.\u00a0 O little Jenny, I am so sorry.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in February 2003) Yesterday I was thinking that I had this wonderful new technique for transforming my life, that my relationship with terror and despair is completely different.\u00a0 Well, actually that\u2019s still true.\u00a0 Just because the misery doesn\u2019t change … Continue reading