Yesterday\u2019s post reminds me of the crisis I went through as we were building my house, when I realized that I hadn\u2019t designed the house with environmental principles in mind.\u00a0 I experienced a moment of intense fury and then a blast of hate at myself that was stronger than any hate I\u2019ve ever felt for another human being.\u00a0 I was shocked.\u00a0 I knew I didn\u2019t love myself, but I always experienced the hatred as the one being hated, not as the one doing the hating.\u00a0 If I had felt that degree of hatred for any other human being, I would have worked hard to change it.\u00a0 I knew I had to change how I felt about myself, even though the idea of loving myself, caring about myself, seemed like the blackest of sins.\u00a0 I learned this from my mother who was constantly telling me \u201cDon\u2019t think you\u2019re so great.\u201d I suspect that she also hated herself, and projected her hatred on to me, which is why I experienced myself as the hated one, not the hater.
\nThe crisis was precipitated when I realized I hadn\u2019t thought once about the environment in designing my home. How could I forget that caring for and reverencing the world of nature is among my highest priorities?\u00a0 It was too late to change the house, the foundation had already been poured, so I had to learn to forgive myself.\u00a0 Not only to forgive myself, but even to love myself.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been working on that for six years.\u00a0 The first step was to begin to see and appreciate the good things about myself.
\nIn 2005 my friend Elizabeth wrote me a letter praising \u201cyour boundless generosity, the depth of your commitment, the breadth of your vision.\u201d At first I was astounded, and then as I came to accept that these things were true of me, I experienced enormous relief.\u00a0 I\u2019ve become the person I want to be, I can stop trying so hard.\u00a0 Of course it didn\u2019t last, but the door had been opened.\u00a0 In the late spring of 2007 I was feeling pretty good about myself.\u00a0 I\u2019d had some big successes.\u00a0 But I did too much, got exhausted, once again tried to get off medication, and plunged down into a pit of terror and despair that was worse than it had ever been.\u00a0 It took me a year and a half to climb back out and it was hard work.\u00a0 That struggle appears in many entries in this blog.\u00a0 I finally learned to love myself even when I was too depressed to cope with daily living and had to ask my friends for help making meals and walking the dog.<\/p>\n
The house turned out really well.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s beautiful, and I really enjoy living in it.\u00a0 I love the way the sun travels around the house during the day, and how that changes with the seasons.\u00a0 I love my big \u201cmasonry hearth\u201d where the hot gases from the burning wood transfer their heat to the stone, and the stone stays warm long after the fire has gone out.<\/p>\n
Yesterday\u2019s post reminds me of the crisis I went through as we were building my house, when I realized that I hadn\u2019t designed the house with environmental principles in mind.\u00a0 I experienced a moment of intense fury and then a … Continue reading ![\"\"](\"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/04\/house9.jpg\" "\\"house9\\"")
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