(Written in October 2008)
\nSession with Caryn.\u00a0 Worked with the high activation.\u00a0 I have difficulty describing it.\u00a0 A squarish lump of compressed energy in my chest.\u00a0 That feeling when you\u2019re startled & breathe in & stop, hunching shoulders.\u00a0 I feel like I can\u2019t breathe but I am in fact breathing right through it.\u00a0 Caryn suggested full speed ahead and brake on simultaneously which is a good description.\u00a0 Resource: safely ensconced in my corner (\u201cMine!\u201d) sitting with legs crossed, I\u2019m aware of my body as a solid lump, roughly pyramid shaped with heavy triangular base, soft weight sinking down, contained yet a little malleable.\u00a0 I thought of the body of Patches, my beanbag angel.\u00a0 On this solid base, images of activation at the top: breathing opening up a space that is less dense, granite exfoliating, breaking up, falling down to talus slope of repose.\u00a0 Thinking about geology, and the huge long process: the melted rock rising, cooling in a chamber, the overburden eroding off, the release of pressure leading to disintegration and collapse.\u00a0 The very long time scale comforts me, if I seem to be moving \u201ctoo slowly\u201d or to be stuck, it\u2019s helpful to remember that some processes take a long time.\u00a0 Found a very comforting quote in Doidge: \u201cLearning plateaus were temporary \u2014 part of a plasticity-based learning cycle \u2014 in which stages of learning are followed by periods of consolidation.\u00a0 Though there was no apparent progress in the consolidation stage, biological changes were happening internally, as new skills became more automatic and refined.\u201d p24
\nAt one point I began to feel positively excited \u2014 it was after I saw myself as a solid weight, like a mountain, and the activation was like confetti scattered on the surface.\u00a0 Caryn \u201cwhat would the confetti like to do?\u201d\u00a0 I asked it and got no answer, but then I saw an image of taking the confetti and putting it on a piece of paper on my easel \u2014 making a collage.\u00a0 That became an image of something I\u2019ve been thinking of doing \u2014 creating an impressionist painting by dipping my fingertips in paint and making dots on the paper.\u00a0 I moved my hands, miming moving the dots from my knees to the paper.\u00a0 Caryn said \u201cslow it down\u201d and then I thought of the paint and imagined feeling the texture of the paint with my fingers.\u00a0 I really got into it and began to feel that I might actually be able to get into my studio and do it in real life!!!\u00a0 That\u2019s where the excitement came and it started low in my body \u2014 o gosh maybe at about the hara \u2014 and was clearly energy available to take some action, instead of energy spinning out into words & ideas & imaginary conversations.\u00a0 That reminded me of the experience with Ingrid Bacci, where the energy was a blazing warmth in my chest, my legs were solid, and my head felt cool.\u00a0 A totally different experience from the global high activation which I now find very uncomfortable because it doesn\u2019t go anywhere.
\nRight now I\u2019m feeling: the weight of my butt on the couch, feet on the floor, weight of legs resting, my head is cool, and there\u2019s a kind of cramp in my heart, a lump of grief, that I can be easy with. just give it space and allow it to breathe.
\nCaryn suggested that the global high activation happened because the initial activation was stopped, clamped down on, instead of being allowed to move as it needed to.\u00a0 She suggested I try to slow it down so I can watch and see how it happens.\u00a0 Yesterday I was already in it, but today, with my head feeling cool, and the energy all sunk down, I feel like I might be able to see how it happens.<\/p>\n
Norman Doidge, The Brain that Changes Itself<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in October 2008) Session with Caryn.\u00a0 Worked with the high activation.\u00a0 I have difficulty describing it.\u00a0 A squarish lump of compressed energy in my chest.\u00a0 That feeling when you\u2019re startled & breathe in & stop, hunching shoulders.\u00a0 I feel … Continue reading