(Written in October 2008)
\nSession with Caryn.\u00a0 Amazing.\u00a0 I told her about falling apart so badly Tuesday night.\u00a0 She asked me to reproduce how it felt in my body and I had a sense of the frantic frozen traumatized baby.\u00a0 She suggested I hold something, a pillow or a box, to be the baby.\u00a0 The box of Kleenex was what felt right because it\u2019s rigid and stiff, and I was able to hold it, contain it, tell it it was just fine: \u201cyou don\u2019t need to figure anything out, you don\u2019t need to do anything, you don\u2019t need to change.\u00a0 I\u2019m right here and I\u2019m not going to leave you.\u201d So I sat with the box, feeling its hardness, coldness, the angle of the corner, and then paying attention to my butt on the cushion, my back in the corner, my feet on the floor, letting my teeth chatter and my shoulders jump.\u00a0 I did that for a long time, was really able to be patient, and then I felt the box soften.\u00a0 I also felt a wave of caring from the baby.\u00a0 So I put the box down and picked up a baby doll that Caryn had, and she was just completely relaxed.\u00a0 Reminded me of Baby Henry and the time I held him & talked to him in non language when he fussed and how he calmed down. I told Caryn about my belief that I would somehow poison a baby if I held it \u2014 I know it\u2019s irrational but I also know it\u2019s there and I\u2019ve had to honor it.\u00a0 Caryn said with great conviction \u201cYou are not poisonous to babies,\u201d and I felt something ease inside and cried and cried.\u00a0 It reminded me of the time Mama Greene said \u201cNo, you were never that way.\u201d Then I began to feel really tired \u2014 the tired was in the center of my head & torso, my arms & shoulders were still activated.\u00a0 So I let myself slouch down for a bit, and just stayed with how it was.\u00a0 Nothing changed, but I\u2019m getting more comfortable with that.\u00a0 Finally I began to feel that I wanted to do something different, I could feel a pain right next to my right shoulder blade, and it turned out Caryn also had a feeling that it was time for some body work.\u00a0 So I lay on her table and she put her hand on the sore place, and held my shoulder.\u00a0 Just being held eased the pain.\u00a0 I had a sense of three layers: the back of my butt and thighs where they contacted the table felt dark and dense and brown, like rich soil.\u00a0 The top layer was little sparkles of activation.\u00a0 And there was a middle neutral layer.\u00a0 I just hung out with that \u2014 imagined growing roots into the earth, imagined the activation sliding off my body, flowing out through my fingers & toes, but there were no real changes, and I did my best to just be with that.\u00a0 Caryn said she felt that the activation was leaving very slowly through my hands & feet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in October 2008) Session with Caryn.\u00a0 Amazing.\u00a0 I told her about falling apart so badly Tuesday night.\u00a0 She asked me to reproduce how it felt in my body and I had a sense of the frantic frozen traumatized baby.\u00a0 … Continue reading