(Written in December 2008, at Kripalu for retreat with Jack Kornfield)<\/p>\n
I\u2019m having a very hard time.\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling profoundly discouraged.\u00a0 I keep thinking \u201cI can\u2019t go on.\u201d Then I try to put it aside and refocus on my breath.\u00a0 But the heavy ache is still there in my heart.\u00a0 I feel really stuck.\u00a0 I\u2019m guessing that I\u2019m hating myself for not being able to shift it.\u00a0 Or maybe it\u2019s that I\u2019m resisting whatever feelings I do feel.\u00a0 Again I can only guess: anger? grief? disappointment? discouragement? fear? Probably all of the above.\u00a0 I\u2019m so jealous of all the people who are finding some ease in the meditation.<\/p>\n
My heart has softened and eased. (Thank you) First it was the story of the young woman with a nerve cut in her face \u2014 her husband said he thought it was \u201ccute\u201d and kissed her with his mouth twisted to match hers.\u00a0 Jack said \u201cCan we touch our brokenness with kindness?\u201d He also said that metta is the antidote to fear, and recommended a year of metta practice for oneself.\u00a0 He said if you have trouble doing metta for yourself to imagine yourself as a child.\u00a0 So I imagined Little Jenny with the Dar Gorani look and that helped a lot.<\/p>\n
May I be filled with lovingkindness
\nMay I experience safety
\nMay I experience well-being
\nMay I be happy
\nMay I touch my broken places with tenderness<\/p><\/blockquote>\nWhen Jack talked about metta being the antidote to fear, I wondered if what I have been feeling in the stoniness is fear, shut down because I\u2019m so afraid.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t feel like terror, and it doesn\u2019t feel like fear \u2014 well there\u2019s no energy for fighting or fleeing, both feel utterly impossible, but maybe this is freeze.\u00a0 The sense of helplessness is so huge, I want to hide, or disappear, or die.\u00a0 Maybe this is what a baby feels like.
\nIt\u2019s not an exact science, it\u2019s an art.\u00a0 Start with what works.\u00a0 I am my most difficult person. Sigh<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"(Written in December 2008, at Kripalu for retreat with Jack Kornfield) I\u2019m having a very hard time.\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling profoundly discouraged.\u00a0 I keep thinking \u201cI can\u2019t go on.\u201d Then I try to put it aside and refocus on my breath.\u00a0 … Continue reading