{"id":3045,"date":"2012-08-10T09:07:38","date_gmt":"2012-08-10T13:07:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=3045"},"modified":"2012-08-10T09:07:38","modified_gmt":"2012-08-10T13:07:38","slug":"tied-in-a-knot","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=3045","title":{"rendered":"Tied in a Knot"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Written in December 2008)
\n1PM.\u00a0 I\u2019m doing pretty badly, I\u2019m tired & cold, and I feel like a total failure.\u00a0 I read the Jack Kornfield<\/a> chapter on emotions and he says no emotion lasts longer than 15 to 30 seconds.\u00a0 So this cold ache and stony heart I feel must be resistance to emotion and not emotion at all.\u00a0 What emotion am I resisting?\u00a0 I read something about grief and started to cry so I thought maybe that was it.\u00a0 I listened to the Belleruth Naparstek<\/a> piece on grief \u2014 but it didn\u2019t really help.\u00a0 I did cry but I think it\u2019s the helpless crying.\u00a0 It\u2019s possible that I\u2019m angry but it\u2019s just triggering helplessness instead of energy.\u00a0 I have a headache from crying.\u00a0 I tried listening to a Napier tape on compassion, but it just made me feel more like a failure so I stopped.\u00a0 It\u2019s probable that I\u2019m really angry at myself for being such a failure, and then making myself wrong for being angry.\u00a0 That could certainly tie me in a knot which is how I feel \u2014 knotted tight.\u00a0 I did call Karen but haven\u2019t heard back yet.
\nOne thing that makes me feel like a failure was the time with K when I was trying to validate my difficulty knowing what my limits are, and I started to tell the story of when I was seven, and she said \u201cI\u2019ve heard it before.\u201d I started to shut down, then thought Right, I don\u2019t need to tell the story and changed gears.\u00a0 But what I failed to see was that I was hurt, and interpreted K\u2019s remark to mean she was tired of listening to me, even though I also thought that wasn\u2019t true, that we\u2019ve been working on stopping each other\u2019s stories.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t see that what I really was needing was empathy for my pain and confusion, and validation for how hard it is for me to know what my limits are.\u00a0 Then there was also her question about whether sitting with depression \u201cworked\u201d which unfortunately triggered self-doubt and making myself wrong, and what had been working to manage the depression \u2014 being with it without asking it to change \u2014 was suddenly lost and I was back at making myself be wrong and bad and a failure because I couldn\u2019t make the depression go away.
\nKaren called while I was writing.\u00a0 She suggested that I needed to find a way to ground myself, that K & L were not safe for me right now, that I had to let go of trying to make it better and just focus on doing what I need to do to get myself to Kripalu safely.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Written in December 2008) 1PM.\u00a0 I\u2019m doing pretty badly, I\u2019m tired & cold, and I feel like a total failure.\u00a0 I read the Jack Kornfield chapter on emotions and he says no emotion lasts longer than 15 to 30 seconds.\u00a0 … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3045","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-breakdown","category-depression"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3045","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3045"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3045\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3045"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3045"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3045"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}