(Written in December 2008)
\nI\u2019m afraid to tell people how badly I\u2019m doing for fear they will be angry at me.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m stuck in a narrow hole in a deep frozen place \u2014 Dante\u2019s Hell.\u00a0 I feel like it\u2019s my fault for being here, that I should just …\u00a0\u00a0 decide to climb out.\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 Like that baby down in the well should decide not to be there.\u00a0 But I believe that I could decide and since I\u2019m not doing it, that means I\u2019m worthless and rotten and should die.
\nHow did I get down in the hole?\u00a0 Traumatized in infancy, told by my father that I \u201cwant to be miserable,\u201d and then Kayla asking if it did any good to sit with it which flipped me from managing OK to \u201cbe with\u201d and accept depression to making myself wrong for being depressed.\u00a0 The first at least allowed me to climb out late in the day, the second just plunged me in deeper.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t come out since we had that talk.\u00a0 I\u2019m really angry at myself and judging myself and I don\u2019t know how to stop doing it since it doesn\u2019t happen in words.\u00a0 It\u2019s just there in my body, a heavy weight, a pressure, a darkness on my heart.<\/p>\n
Sylvia Boorstein<\/a> says \u201clife is difficult and painful, just by its nature, not because we are doing it wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in December 2008) I\u2019m afraid to tell people how badly I\u2019m doing for fear they will be angry at me.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m stuck in a narrow hole in a deep frozen place \u2014 Dante\u2019s Hell.\u00a0 I feel … Continue reading