(Written in May 2004)
\nStruggle with belief: If I don\u2019t do what someone wants, then I don\u2019t care about her.\u00a0 Mother drilled this belief into me.\u00a0 So when my caring for someone and my need for autonomy* are in conflict \u2014 I withdraw from the caring.\u00a0 I make myself believe that I \u201cdon\u2019t care\u201d and then my heart is torn because I really do care and am unable to validate myself.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t care\u201d is a strategy to try to deal with the pain of caring about something and not being able to do anything about it. And it doesn\u2019t work because it leaves my heart torn in two and squeezed out of existence because it invalidates my real caring.\u00a0 I always chose for my autonomy, because I couldn\u2019t make myself be different \u2014 but I made myself wrong for being different and invalidated my very real caring.
\n*Added later: It\u2019s not really a need for autonomy, it\u2019s a need to take care of myself, not a need to have my own way.<\/p>\n
… I simply haven\u2019t got what it takes to finish this project.\u00a0 I\u2019m still running on fumes. I have no reserves.
\nAnd I\u2019m very angry at myself for not managing better, for getting so upset about the damn dog, for being so sensitive, so exhausted, so easily discouraged.\u00a0 Why can\u2019t I be more robust, more graceful?<\/p>\n
Reading Elizabeth Lesser “Broken Open”<\/a> and finding it helpful: \u201cBozos on the bus: We are all half-baked experiments \u2014 mistake prone beings, born without an instruction booklet into a complex world.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 p28 Dear Spirits, I\u2019m pretty burnt out & I\u2019m going to Kripalu for a week hoping to fill the reserves.\u00a0 I\u2019m having a really bad time with the dog next door, I\u2019m trying to let go of the house where results are concerned, and I\u2019m in conflict about the land next door that\u2019s for sale.\u00a0 I really need help!\u00a0 And feeling very lost in my relationships with K and L.\u00a0 Please help me! (Written in May 2004) Struggle with belief: If I don\u2019t do what someone wants, then I don\u2019t care about her.\u00a0 Mother drilled this belief into me.\u00a0 So when my caring for someone and my need for autonomy* are in conflict … Continue reading
\n\u201c… The Buddha statue… His expression was so kind, as if he was saying \u201cThere, there.\u00a0 Come.\u00a0 Sit and rest.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to try so hard.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to rush anything.\u00a0 Take a seat and see what happens.\u201d\u201d p 249<\/p>\n
\n Dear Jenny, relax.\u00a0 Take your time.\u00a0 Nothing is as urgent as your fears make it.\u00a0 It\u2019s good that you are going to Kripalu.\u00a0 Meditation, yoga, and food will all help you fill the well.\u00a0 Take your visual journal and draw every day.\u00a0 Practice mindfulness.\u00a0 The practice of being in the present moment is the one that will help you most.\u00a0 Also bringing compassion to yourself when you are in trouble as you did yesterday.\u00a0 There, there, dear.\u00a0 We are so sorry that self-rejection is such a conditioned response for you when things go wrong.\u00a0 It\u2019s all you know how to do, what you learned from infancy, and it\u2019s so deep that you are barely aware of it.\u00a0 You are having to deduce it from how hopeless and miserable you feel when the dog barks.\u00a0 The practice of bringing compassion to yourself at every moment will help.\u00a0 Dear Jenny, we love you.\u00a0 We see you judge yourself as weak and a failure, and reject yourself, and we just have enormous compassion for that little girl who is trying so hard, who has such high standards, and who doesn\u2019t know any other way to be with herself.\u00a0 We love her, right in the middle of her self-induced misery and we reach out to comfort her, hoping to help her feel safe enough to soften.\u00a0 There, there, dear.\u00a0 We love you<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"