(Written in February 2008)
\n\u201cIn the middle of my life I found myself in a dark wood \u2014 where the true way was wholly lost.\u201d David Whyte, quoting Dante.\u00a0 The moon was low enough to shine on my face and woke me up at 3AM.\u00a0 I put on a David Whyte CD, and then dreamed that I was in a class and we were asked to find a quote that described where we were in our life right now.\u00a0 I had a book \u2014 large and fat \u2014 with papers stuffed in it.\u00a0 Someone else\u2019s book.\u00a0 Then we are in another classroom and I hold another book, smaller but just as thick, no extra papers.\u00a0 I try looking through the books to find lines that fit me \u2014 without success.
\nSo I\u2019ve been sitting here looking through \u201cWhere Many Rivers Meet\u201d, finding poems that tug at my heart, not finding lines that describe my life now \u2014 but I begin to get a sense: something about accepting failures, something about how our failures are also offerings.\u00a0 Can I offer my failures to God? Why not? He knows failure.\u00a0 He hung on the cross and cried out his despair.\u00a0 He told us we were forgiven.\u00a0 God met me at the gate of heaven with a huge welcoming hug.\u00a0 And my successes and failures were blown away, no longer relevant.
\nWhat are the lines that describe my life now?\u00a0 Something about accepting failures.\u00a0 \u201cMaking white combs and golden honey from my old failures.\u201d But I haven\u2019t gotten that far yet.\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting here, and my failures are sitting here too, and we are not touching, not talking, not looking at each other.\u00a0 So I am a little scattered and don\u2019t know where to go next.\u00a0 O yes.\u00a0 This is the place where I feel the urge to take action, make them talk to each other, and at the same time know that it is better to sit still and allow the process to take what time it needs to.\u00a0 But I\u2019m not happy about it.\u00a0 The two impulses are in conflict, the wheels are spinning, and I\u2019m not going anywhere.<\/p>\n
Build up the fire \u2014 it\u2019s 20 below out and a clear day, sunlight just striking the tops of the trees \u2014 make a second cup of tea.\u00a0 Put a bubble of love around the warring factions and leave them to fight it out.<\/p>\n
Yesterday I was typing up my struggle with images of projects I might do \u2014 the dance program against war, letters to the editor \u2014 and having to accept, with shame, that I simply haven\u2019t got what it takes to carry them all out.\u00a0 I did get one letter printed in the Courier; and Kate Moss emailed me a thank you.\u00a0 So there\u2019s one success.\u00a0 The others aren\u2019t failures, just acceptance of reality.\u00a0 No, trying to accept, struggling with anger and shame.\u00a0 I should be strong enough to push them through, my anger and passion and caring aren\u2019t good enough if I can\u2019t make a difference…\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 How would I be if I couldn\u2019t think that thought (to borrow from Byron Katie)?\u00a0 It would be a huge relief, but I can\u2019t get there, the anger and shame are still in my body.
\nWhat does that feel like?\u00a0 A tightness in my chest, and my stomach, tension in my jaw, pricking behind my eyes.\u00a0 A wish to lift my arms and bring my fists down and smash something.\u00a0 A wish to hunch my shoulders and hide.\u00a0 At least my breath is easy as I pay attention to the warring tensions inside.
\nI use my hands to express my shame, a squeezing in of my heart \u2014 surprisingly I can feel the tense muscle in my right hip \u2014 and then raising my fists and bringing them down slow motion in anger.\u00a0 It helps ease something.
\nWhy should I feel ashamed?\u00a0 I was goddam WOUNDED in the war.\u00a0 Of course I limp and struggle.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in February 2008) \u201cIn the middle of my life I found myself in a dark wood \u2014 where the true way was wholly lost.\u201d David Whyte, quoting Dante.\u00a0 The moon was low enough to shine on my face and … Continue reading