{"id":2861,"date":"2012-07-04T19:45:57","date_gmt":"2012-07-04T23:45:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=2861"},"modified":"2015-06-29T09:20:11","modified_gmt":"2015-06-29T13:20:11","slug":"the-journal-is-a-safe-space","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=2861","title":{"rendered":"July 1992: The Journal is a Safe Space"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Another entry from Ritual Year, written July 1992)
\nVision.\u00a0 I always forget, when making visions, that the inner reality is much more important than the outer one.\u00a0 In some ways it’s much easier to create a vision of a completed work of art, or an improvisational theater group, than to create a vision of being in charge of my life.\u00a0 What would that look like?\u00a0 How would that feel?\u00a0 I’ve no idea, only that I imagine that I would feel more grounded, more relaxed, and not so frightened all the time, not always feeling like I’m doing something wrong.\u00a0 I would feel like my life belongs to me, like I could do anything I want to with it \u2014 then I wonder if there’s anything in my life that I feel like that about: the car? the house?\u00a0 But they mostly feel like “shoulds”, I should take care of them, keep them clean, etc, not like something I can “do what I want to” with.\u00a0 But then I want to keep the car in shape so I can go where I want to, keeping up the house creates an environment that supports my inner life.\u00a0 I suppose the trouble comes when I compare my housekeeping to some impossible, perfectionistic standard \u2014 the house is never as clean, or as well organized as I would like, but it’s also true that I’m not willing to spend the amount of time and energy it would take.\u00a0 That feels OK to me when I know it’s my life, and not OK when I feel Mommy\/Daddy’s cold judgemental eye looking over my shoulder.\u00a0 One thing I do have in my life that I can “do what I want to” with is this journal.\u00a0 Here I’ve created a space that is completely safe, where I can experiment, and play, and dive as deeply as I want to.\u00a0 And I never feel the cold eye of Mommy\/Daddy anymore, I think I used to but that’s faded away.\u00a0 I occasionally feel the curious eye of a reader, that’s YOU dear friend, but mostly that makes me feel supported rather than criticized and leads me to be a little self-conscious about my language but otherwise doesn’t affect my writing.\u00a0 This has happened over the last five years or so, since I’ve developed the rhythm of typing into the computer \u2014 that reader that I’m writing for, with the curious eye, is older and wiser and infinitely more merciful than I am now, she brings compassion and understanding to the events I’m now recording for her, she is myself, one year older.
\nSo I’ve done it, here in the journal, and now I want that ease of creativity, that sense of recording the present and my process for an infinitely merciful witness, to extend to the rest of my life, so I can have the same feel about washing dishes, or dancing, or taking the car to have its oil changed, as I do about writing in here.<\/p>\n

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(Another entry from Ritual Year, written July 1992) Vision.\u00a0 I always forget, when making visions, that the inner reality is much more important than the outer one.\u00a0 In some ways it’s much easier to create a vision of a completed … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2861","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-ritual-year"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2861","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2861"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2861\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2861"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2861"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2861"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}