I\u2019ve been worried about Bella.\u00a0 Her hind legs collapse under her now & then.\u00a0 She did eat last night\u2019s supper, but it\u2019s been 3 days since I gave her any supplements.\u00a0 She\u2019s been drinking enormous amounts of water and peeing a lot.\u00a0 She also seems to wander off, like she doesn\u2019t know where I am.\u00a0 I think her sight and hearing are greatly diminished.\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid she\u2019s getting ready to leave.\u00a0 I try to spend as much time with her as possible, and take her almost everywhere with me.
\nI reread \u201cI Never Promised You a Rose Garden\u201d for the first time in a long time.\u00a0 It\u2019s very interesting to read it now that I no longer identify with Deborah.\u00a0 All the underlined places, and the splashes of blood are eloquent of what that book meant to me.\u00a0 A chance to revisit that Jenny who cut herself, wrote with the blood, scribbled madness in her journal.\u00a0 My heart feels cold.\u00a0 That\u2019s not Little Jenny, that\u2019s Crazy Jenny.\u00a0 She was also the one whose story I enacted in Journey into Courage.\u00a0 Maybe that\u2019s why she hasn\u2019t had to appear again.\u00a0 I try to see her, and I don\u2019t feel the surge of warmth and love that I feel when I imagine Little Jenny.\u00a0 Maybe Crazy Jenny has been healed and integrated.
\nO gosh, I feel so bleak.\u00a0 Bella is a weight on my heart, and the poisoning of the earth.\u00a0 But the earth will win, and there will still be human beings, the descendants of those who are already living in sustainable communities and know how to live on the earth without destroying it.\u00a0 The earth will be more or less damaged, many species will be gone, but I think that once the greedy 1% have died or fallen apart, Nature will rebound swiftly, even creating bacteria that can digest our poisons.\u00a0 Hopefully, enough people will go on to carry culture forward, the understanding of the need to live in co-operation with the earth, so that the communities will be intelligent and educated.\u00a0 They will remember what happened and know how to not do it again.\u00a0 We will not descend into barbaric primitive tribes, still fighting \u201csurvival of the fittest\u201d battles.\u00a0 If the crash happens fairly soon, there will be enough indigenous people left to carry the kind of knowledge we need.\u00a0 This is the vision I\u2019m holding for the future.\u00a0 I used to be afraid that people from cities with guns would invade us, shoot us, take our food and move on.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t see how I could possibly live through such a bad time.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how to grow food, and I don\u2019t have any useful practical skills to barter for food.\u00a0 Unless circle dancing has become meaningful and important in creating community.\u00a0 I\u2019m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of just stopping eating.\u00a0 I like that it gives me time to say good bye.\u00a0 I like that god will choose the time, not me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve been worried about Bella.\u00a0 Her hind legs collapse under her now & then.\u00a0 She did eat last night\u2019s supper, but it\u2019s been 3 days since I gave her any supplements.\u00a0 She\u2019s been drinking enormous amounts of water and peeing … Continue reading