(Written in May 2009)
\nFeeling pretty bleak.\u00a0 A tough and painful session with Caryn.\u00a0 I cried, screamed, roared, writhed, pounded my knees, pushed with my feet.\u00a0 I even banged my head against the wall.\u00a0 She stopped me, asked where the impulse was coming from – my chest – then suggested I imagine doing it.\u00a0 So I did, and after about 6 times the impulse faded.\u00a0 After more crying and writhing I just stopped, feeling like what good was it.\u00a0 Caryn wrote down some of the things I had said while expressing my grief and rage.<\/p>\n
This is too hard
\nIs anybody out there?\u00a0 Does anybody see me?
\nDoes anybody care?
\nI just want to die<\/p>\n
Caryn said your feelings have been expressed and witnessed.\u00a0 Now we have to break it down into managable chunks so you can discharge the energy.\u00a0 She pointed to the first one \u201cThis is too hard\u201d and I felt a plume of activation rising in my chest.\u00a0 I used my hands to cut off a smaller blob and push the rest down.\u00a0\u00a0 Then I sat with the blob and the weight in my butt, and my shoulders shook, and I yawned \u2014 all the usual discharge.\u00a0 I did it several times.\u00a0 Then she had me look at the words again.\u00a0 No charge with \u201cThis is too hard\u201d \u2014 it\u2019s not too hard if I can break it into manageable bits.\u00a0 \u201cIs anybody out there?\u201d Caryn\u2019s here and she can see me.\u00a0 I kept doing the process, I hope I\u2019ve learned it well enough to be able to do it on my own.\u00a0 And I have been able to do it since I\u2019ve been back.<\/p>\n
Driving back I felt completely, totally bummed out.\u00a0 I was able to cook and eat lunch and be in a conference call about my taxes.\u00a0 Thank goodness that was easy.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t feel any satisfaction, but I did it. (Good for me!)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in May 2009) Feeling pretty bleak.\u00a0 A tough and painful session with Caryn.\u00a0 I cried, screamed, roared, writhed, pounded my knees, pushed with my feet.\u00a0 I even banged my head against the wall.\u00a0 She stopped me, asked where the … Continue reading