(Written in September 2009)
\nSession with Caryn. No coherent narrative, I just remember disconnected fragments.\u00a0 Telling her about Elizabeth saying when she first met me she thought I was generous and kind. And then shivering and trying to hide.\u00a0 When Caryn repeated it, it was painful \u2014 believing it and trying to take it in, and terrified to believe and take in.\u00a0 \u201cCan some part of you take it in?\u201d I saw odd little creatures like sea anemones with many delicate tendrils waving, and they weren\u2019t in my body but somewhere in front.\u00a0 Caryn said that was very good, that the space in front of my body was part of me.\u00a0 I talked about Elizabeth\u2019s letter praising my vision, commitment and generosity, and started to expand on those.\u00a0 Caryn asked me to slow down, so I did and began to go into detail about the hugeness of the galaxies and the amazing complexity that is the body…\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A fragment drifted by \u201c.. so great\u201d and I spoke to Mother \u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019m so great, I think the Universe is huge and miraculous and beautiful and I want to share my excitement.\u201d Caryn said she\u2019d never heard me speak from that embodied place before.\u00a0 I have been able to do it in the past few years: speaking my truth and not worrying about whether mother got it or not.\u00a0 We worked on exploring and building the resource of weight and orientation to gravity.\u00a0 She said that someone said the connective tissue in the body was a kind of \u201cliquid crystal\u201d, and when we were close together my body could resonate with hers, and her body could teach my body how to be resourced, grounded, taking up space.\u00a0 She also had me practice using the trees outside my window as a resource, their verticality, their roots.\u00a0 I told her about the time at Treigh Banh, when I sent a root down and the earth opened to welcome it.\u00a0 We also worked on a gesture \u2014 my arm extended, hand raised, palm out \u2014 and the difference between pushing and taking a stand.\u00a0 She put her hand against mine and talked about receiving and I thought about that time with Peter when he responded to my movement instead of rigidly resisting or falling away.\u00a0 That feeling of delight: to be met, to be in relationship, rather than being bulldozed or abandoned.\u00a0 We talked about how, if I had a thought (\u201cthis time last year I was headed downhill…\u201d) I could stop it with an affirmation: I\u2019ve come out before and I will come out again.\u00a0 It\u2019s OK that I don\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 But when it comes as a body sensation (low grade fear, global activation) it\u2019s much harder to become aware of and find the right resource.\u00a0 She had me orient to the trees \u2014 actually to a particular white birch \u2014 and then tossed out a purple pillow to be the negative feeling.\u00a0 I immediately saw that I was bigger than it was, resourced by tree and megalith, and I didn\u2019t have to push it away, or defend against it, I could just let it be.\u00a0 Caryn said this was a new phase in learning to orient and be resourced without having to disappear the negative thing.\u00a0 In the past, resourcing has been a kind of dissociation, now I\u2019m learning to have both the negative thing and myself.\u00a0 Caryn talked about the \u201cshit\u201d and I saw that there were two parts: the shit mother smeared me with, and the wounded baby.\u00a0 The shit is clearly not part of me and I can slough it off.\u00a0 The baby I\u2019m committed to, to care for and be with.\u00a0 And now she looks like a dried apricot.\u00a0 All she needs is a little water and she\u2019ll plump right up to her full shape.\u00a0 There\u2019s been a progression, from walnut shell, to walnut, to dried apricot.\u00a0 When I left I was feeling much better and I feel more solid now as I write about it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in September 2009) Session with Caryn. No coherent narrative, I just remember disconnected fragments.\u00a0 Telling her about Elizabeth saying when she first met me she thought I was generous and kind. And then shivering and trying to hide.\u00a0 When … Continue reading