(Written in July 2010)
\nWent down to see Caryn.\u00a0 The drive down was beautiful, blue sky, white clouds, wind & trees.\u00a0 It was good to see her tho she looked a little harassed and hot, she\u2019d been seeing people all day.\u00a0 I went to my corner & we set up the cushions.\u00a0 I told her about noticing at one point that I was sitting straighter in the car, but now I\u2019ve lost it a little.\u00a0 It feels more comfortable when I straighten up, but I don\u2019t stay there.\u00a0 So we worked on that.\u00a0 She brought over a bench and had me put my hands on it, and imagine I was a quadruped.\u00a0 Then curve my back up & down \u2014 it was a little like dog & cat stretch except that there was an emphasis on letting the shoulderblades meet when my belly was down.\u00a0 Then Caryn had me press with my hands \u2014 use both hands and legs \u2014 to curl & uncurl my back while she pressed each vertebra so I would move them one by one.\u00a0 She asked me to walk around.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t feel much different \u2014 I always feel self-conscious \u2014 but she said my spine was more flexible.\u00a0 I came back & sat down feeling tired.\u00a0 Caryn said I had just done a lot of work.\u00a0 I bent over until the top of my head was on the floor.\u00a0 When I straightened up, my stomach ached, so I hunched down again & comforted that part of me.\u00a0 Caryn said I had just done a very big piece of work opening the front of the spine, and it made sense that part of me would feel vulnerable.\u00a0 Once that part of me was comfortable, I could sit up & feel how the triangle of my knees & butt was very solid and supporting\/grounding me and my upper half could move around freely.\u00a0 The phrase came up \u201cwiggling around\u201d and I remembered mother\u2019s scathing remark \u201cthat\u2019s disgusting\u201d as the 5-year-old daughter of a friend of Jo\u2019s was wiggling around.\u00a0 I was horrified & saw myself as bland, narrow, sexless, I was living at the Arlington Zen house and trying to be completely subdued and colorless.\u00a0 Caryn asked if I could bring together both parts of me, the Zen straight and the wiggly child.\u00a0 At first I thought I couldn\u2019t, they were each ashamed of the other.\u00a0 But I imagined holding them and loving them, and started to cry and cry.\u00a0 At one point I felt so much grief that the wiggly one had been able to be present for so little of my life.\u00a0 Caryn kept having me open my eyes so I wouldn\u2019t get lost in the grief.\u00a0 When that was over, I sat up straight again and felt how heavy the base was and how light the upper body.\u00a0 I told Caryn about the time in the training when a battle between being weighed down & trying to pull up against it resolved itself into many tiny helium balloons, each holding up a package of heaviness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in July 2010) Went down to see Caryn.\u00a0 The drive down was beautiful, blue sky, white clouds, wind & trees.\u00a0 It was good to see her tho she looked a little harassed and hot, she\u2019d been seeing people all … Continue reading