(Written in January 2009)
\nThe session with Caryn was very helpful, though we had a little trouble at the beginning with her cell phone cutting out.\u00a0 I told her about the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and how helpless & hopeless it made me feel.\u00a0 The phone actually cut out while I was telling her the story which made me laugh & let go of it.\u00a0 When we finally connected again we worked on resourcing: my butt on the couch, etc.\u00a0 I told her about asking for help and people being delighted \u2014 How does that feel in your body? \u2014 a sense of relaxation and warmth, a very subtle sense of being held.\u00a0 Also about being comfortable doing ordinary things with people I don\u2019t know very well \u2014 which is different \u2014 I used to feel more like I did last night at the opening, depressed unless I was engaged in fairly intense conversation.\u00a0 Caryn said that my ability to receive the warmth, and to be comfortable doing ordinary things with ordinary people, was a sign of healing on a deep level.\u00a0 That I was beginning to connect with other people, instead of being lost in the intellect, in \u201cThought Land.\u201d That doing ordinary things with ordinary people was a resource for me.\u00a0 When I was pretty thoroughly resourced, she suggested we return to the psychiatrist \u2014 immediate activation.\u00a0 Put her at a distance, put up half closed venetian blinds, still a little activated.\u00a0 Finally I made a strong wall and that cut her off.\u00a0 I told Caryn that the diagnosis made me feel like there was no way I could heal.\u00a0 Caryn said that was wrong, it was just her interpretation.\u00a0 Caryn saying there were signs that I am healing was more useful.\u00a0 With the doctor cut off, I worked on resourcing.\u00a0 Bits of activation came up, I gave them attention, they faded.\u00a0 Then there were some big VERY SLOW waves of something heavy tired discouraged and maybe a little fear.\u00a0 Staying with it my shoulders jumped a little and I started yawning.\u00a0 There began to be cold on the surface.\u00a0 Later the cold went deeper \u2014 it came in waves too, very slow ones.\u00a0 I began to feel extremely tired & finally let my torso bow over my knees.\u00a0 Then there began to be shaking, my whole upper body was shaking, but it was very subtle, I\u2019m not sure it would have been visible to an observer.\u00a0 Caryn said this was discharge on a very deep level.\u00a0 It went on for a while.\u00a0 Finally the cold began to leave, very slowly, and we ended the session with me feeling pretty solid.<\/p>\n
Caryn McHose is my trauma therapist.\u00a0 See her website<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in January 2009) The session with Caryn was very helpful, though we had a little trouble at the beginning with her cell phone cutting out.\u00a0 I told her about the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and how helpless & hopeless … Continue reading