(Written in September 2010)
\nIt\u2019s interesting. I\u2019m feeling OK right now.\u00a0 Yesterday I decided that I wasn\u2019t going to do anything today, I also expected to feel horrible and figured I\u2019d just soldier on.\u00a0 This has happened other times when I\u2019ve had no expectations for myself.\u00a0 It\u2019s really odd, I don\u2019t think of myself as having expectations, I certainly don\u2019t have obvious ones, but only deliberately dropping them seems to result in being OK.\u00a0 So I seem to always have expectations for myself.\u00a0 I guess it\u2019s something like \u201cI\u2019ll do the right thing and then feel better.\u201d Last night I accepted that I would feel bummed out today, and decided not to fight it.\u00a0 Such a mystery!<\/p>\n
Started reading in 2007. Came to some helpful guidance: \u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Dear Jenny, your stony feeling is another dark night of the soul.\u00a0 Your task is to witness it, stay with it, offer compassion, or at least have the intent of compassion.\u00a0 There is nothing wrong with you or defective, that you are stuck in this cold unfeeling place.\u00a0 The fact that you refuse to live your life from this place shows who you really are, and attests to the truth about the universe.\u00a0 The universe is not a cold, uncaring place.\u00a0 It is full of creativity and a vast compassion.\u00a0 Bring your cold stoniness to this compassion and relax.\u00a0 You only need to hold them together, you do not need to make anything change.\u00a0<\/em> (January 12, 2007)<\/p>\n And this:\u00a0 Nauseous & headache despite foot bath yesterday and foot pads last night.\u00a0 Goddammit!\u00a0 I DON’T sit around feeling sorry for myself.\u00a0 I work really hard to keep going in the face of unpleasant emotions and confusing and debilitating physical symptoms.\u00a0 (January 14, 2007)<\/p>\n Another guidance:\u00a0 Dear Jenny, we love you.\u00a0 We gather around you sending warmth and affection your way.\u00a0 You work so hard!\u00a0 And you so badly want to give good things to people.\u00a0 Dear, you yourself are the gift of your life.\u00a0 All your hard work on yourself, and the wisdom you have learned from the struggle with despair and terror are what you embody in the world.\u00a0 When Kayla says she feels safe to talk to you about anything, when someone in a workshop comments on your authenticity, they are responding to the energy of compassion that you embody.\u00a0 You change the world by your very presence.\u00a0 Relax, dear, stop trying so hard.\u00a0 It is perfectly appropriate for you to focus all your energy on taking care of yourself. WE LOVE YOU.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em> (January 18, 2007)<\/p>\n I\u2019m thinking of a blog post on the positive effect of no expectations.\u00a0 There was the time I injured myself by saving a wine glass from falling and breaking.\u00a0 It hurt so bad I just had to be OK with not being able to do anything.\u00a0 There was another time, when I accepted it might take weeks to find the right medication, and the depression cleared right up.\u00a0 And last night, I decided that if I was going to do the adrenal test today I wouldn\u2019t do anything else.\u00a0 I figured I\u2019d still be able to make the phone calls even if I was depressed.\u00a0 I think doing them boosted my morale, but that doesn\u2019t always happen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in September 2010) It\u2019s interesting. I\u2019m feeling OK right now.\u00a0 Yesterday I decided that I wasn\u2019t going to do anything today, I also expected to feel horrible and figured I\u2019d just soldier on.\u00a0 This has happened other times when … Continue reading