(Written in September 2010)
\nWoke scared & sad.\u00a0 It\u2019s grey and it rained in the night so all the fall colors are glowing.\u00a0 Yesterday was tough.\u00a0 I cried so much with Karen that I got a headache.\u00a0 Caryn would have made me stop and work on it, but I felt too hopeless and tired.\u00a0 I just felt like a miserable blot on the earth\u2019s surface and could see no reason for going on.\u00a0 Karen said it was old tapes and to throw them away.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 It just seemed so obviously true.\u00a0 I was also terrified that I\u2019d never come out of it.\u00a0 Karen said it was OK to not know what to do, it was OK to be upset.\u00a0 Finally I repeated the affirmations \u201cIt\u2019s OK to not know\u201d etc.\u00a0 Karen talked about how as a child I was expected to know a lot of things that no one had ever taught me.\u00a0 I struggled to feel some compassion for myself but couldn\u2019t quite get there.
\nDrove home with the same sense of wrong and bad, seeing a landscape full of pain \u2014 full of evidence of a losing battle, until I got to the highway.\u00a0 Then there were just trees, and I was sometimes able to see the beauty.
\nSomewhere along the way I decided to just keep going.\u00a0 I have a little hope that Lydia Faesy (a naturopathic Doctor) may be able to help the thyroid\/adrenal problem.
\nKaren said that the effort to act \u201cnormal\u201d takes a lot of energy.\u00a0 That helped me understand why I was so tired after Wed evening board meeting.<\/p>\n
About a week later, my friend Lynelle said that she had realized afterward that telling me about Diane being \u201cgrateful to be alive\u201d might have been hard for me.\u00a0 I acknowledged that it was.\u00a0 She said she didn\u2019t feel it either, that it was something Diane always had, and she, not really envied, but wondered at.\u00a0 That helped a lot.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in September 2010) Woke scared & sad.\u00a0 It\u2019s grey and it rained in the night so all the fall colors are glowing.\u00a0 Yesterday was tough.\u00a0 I cried so much with Karen that I got a headache.\u00a0 Caryn would have … Continue reading