(Written in September 2010)
\nI cooked rice but I wasn\u2019t able to eat breakfast.\u00a0 Called Karen.\u00a0 She said not to \u201cshame & blame\u201d myself, but of course I\u2019m comparing myself to Diane who\u2019s \u201cglad to be alive\u201d, who faced life-threatening illness and lost both breasts.\u00a0 That made me feel like I was just whining and complaining and feeling sorry for myself.\u00a0 But I can\u2019t \u201csnap out of it,\u201d I can\u2019t consciously will myself to be any different.\u00a0 So I just want to die.\u00a0 That\u2019s how I felt yesterday, and no voice pops up & says \u201cYou don\u2019t want to die, you just want your life to be easier.\u201d
\nWent over to Neskaya for the Board Meeting.\u00a0 At first I just felt what\u2019s the point?\u00a0 I found myself not caring if Neskaya kept going or not.\u00a0 That felt very sad to me.\u00a0 I was finally able to be distracted from my pain.
\nSo here I sit, hating myself for being such a wimp.\u00a0 Somehow I\u2019ve got to find a way to feel compassion for this poor woman who\u2019s hating herself.\u00a0 OK, take a big step back.\u00a0 Here\u2019s this woman who was traumatized in infancy, and taught as she grew up that every thing was her fault.\u00a0 Especially if she was having a bad time, she was told \u201cYou just want to be miserable.\u201d She was given no guidance and support for how to live a healthy life.\u00a0 She struggled for years against debilitating bouts of depression and anxiety.\u00a0 She got married, only to find that she was unable to be sexual, blaming herself until years after the divorce when she found out she was struggling with PTSD.\u00a0 Now she\u2019s getting older, and has less and less energy.\u00a0 When she\u2019s depressed, even the basics of buying and cooking food and walking the dog become difficult.\u00a0 She just wants to die, and she hasn\u2019t any energy to fight that either.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in September 2010) I cooked rice but I wasn\u2019t able to eat breakfast.\u00a0 Called Karen.\u00a0 She said not to \u201cshame & blame\u201d myself, but of course I\u2019m comparing myself to Diane who\u2019s \u201cglad to be alive\u201d, who faced life-threatening … Continue reading