(Written in September 2010)
\nLynelle said she had a good visit with her friend Diane, who she hasn\u2019t seen for a while.\u00a0 She said Diane had lost both breasts, but was glad to be alive.\u00a0 Lynelle said she had a great attitude.\u00a0 I came back here feeling very ashamed.\u00a0 I\u2019m cowardly and whine to all my friends about what I\u2019m up against, because I don\u2019t want them to judge me for not getting things done.
\nSo this morning I\u2019m feeling pretty bummed out.\u00a0 Really not seeing a good reason for keeping going.\u00a0 I\u2019m having waves of that totally hopeless feeling where even something like cooking rice, which I have to do regularly, feels like an awful chore.
\nThen I think I\u2019m NOT glad to be alive.\u00a0 Diane is lucky.\u00a0 She had a big scare and it brought home to her how precious life is.\u00a0 But she can enjoy it.\u00a0 I\u2019m up against brain chemistry.\u00a0 I\u2019m not glad to be alive.\u00a0 I\u2019m going along putting one foot in front of the other \u2014 why?\u00a0 why keep going?\u00a0 I\u2019m not facing something open and obvious, like breast cancer, or the death of a loved one.\u00a0 I\u2019m up against this nightmare invisible destroyer that takes the color out of everything.
\nCan I love this person who\u2019s having such a hard time?\u00a0 Who\u2019s whiny & cowardly?\u00a0 No, she\u2019s not whiny & cowardly, she\u2019s just having a very hard time in a way that most people don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 Can I think of anything good about her?\u00a0 She does feel compassion for anyone who\u2019s having a hard time.\u00a0 She works to bring compassion to any situation where it doesn\u2019t naturally arise in her.\u00a0 She loves the world, the world of nature, and wants to see it used with reverence and respect.\u00a0 She loves the human community when it is creative and celebratory and honest and perceptive.\u00a0 She gets angry when people contribute to the ongoing disaster, through making money the bottom line, and not caring what damage their actions do as long as it\u2019s far enough away so they can ignore it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t hate those people, most of the time I feel compassion for them because I know they\u2019ve been badly damaged.\u00a0 Is this enough?\u00a0 Is it good enough reason to go on living?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I keep asking god to tell me what he\/she\/it\/they want me to do with my life, but I haven\u2019t got any answers.\u00a0 God, if you want me to keep going you\u2019ve got to show me a way to change this brain chemistry.\u00a0 PLEASE!!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in September 2010) Lynelle said she had a good visit with her friend Diane, who she hasn\u2019t seen for a while.\u00a0 She said Diane had lost both breasts, but was glad to be alive.\u00a0 Lynelle said she had a … Continue reading