{"id":2322,"date":"2012-01-26T10:15:02","date_gmt":"2012-01-26T15:15:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=2322"},"modified":"2012-01-26T17:52:58","modified_gmt":"2012-01-26T22:52:58","slug":"the-dark-night-of-the-soul","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=2322","title":{"rendered":"The Dark Night of the Soul"},"content":{"rendered":"

Recently I\u2019ve been struggling with depression again again, and my friend Lynelle reminded me of a book that Elizabeth sent me several years ago when I was going through the worst of my breakdown.\u00a0 The Dark Night of the Soul, by Gerald May<\/a>. It wasn\u2019t a help then, because \u201cDark,\u201d as St John of the Cross uses it, doesn\u2019t mean pain, despair, and terror, it means obscure, unknowing.\u00a0 As I\u2019m writing this, I\u2019m thinking that the book is talking about stages in spiritual practice, where you stop trying with intellect and will, and instead leave it to God\u2019s mysterious hidden process, which I understand to be taking place in the human unconscious.\u00a0 I realize that\u2019s EXACTLY what I\u2019ve been learning to do to heal from trauma.\u00a0 It is a practice, I come back to it over and over.
\nMay says that as people progress spiritually, they become comfortable with mystery.\u00a0 I see that\u2019s what\u2019s happened to me:\u00a0 I can look at different explanations for the origin of the universe \u2014 the \u201cbig bang\u201d, continuous creation \u2014 or theories of where people came from \u2014 that we evolved here, that we descend from visitors from another star \u2014 and I don\u2019t believe or disbelieve, I\u2019m contented with not knowing, and I\u2019m pretty sure the REAL story is deeper and richer than anything we could make up.\u00a0 (immediately I\u2019m off on thoughts about questions people might ask me, and the red shift may or may not be a Doppler shift…\u00a0 ) and back to the page.\u00a0 Writing this, and answering imaginary questions, has made me feel much better, thank god.
\n(The \u201castronomy teacher\u201d is a part of me that\u2019s very competent and knowledgeable.\u00a0 I used to have a slide show about archeo-astronomy which I haven\u2019t given for years.\u00a0 I recently resurrected it as a video, and am beginning to give it to audiences.\u00a0 No matter how bad I feel, lost in some traumatized child part of me, if the astronomy teacher is called on, I enlarge into a competent functional adult.)
\nO yes, the book also talked about love as the primary purpose\/goal of spiritual practice.\u00a0 At that point I start feeling like I did when reading Zen stories, these people are talking about something that I don\u2019t know, have never experienced, will never reach.\u00a0 This is based on the assumption that I\u2019m an unloving person.\u00a0 Then I look out the window at the trees and the rocks \u2014 I do love them.\u00a0 And I do believe that God is inside every particle of matter, that the Universe is the amazingly beautiful dance of Divine Creativity with itself.
\nWhat have I done with my life?\u00a0 I built Neskaya because I loved the dances and wanted to be able to share them.\u00a0 Everything I\u2019ve done, from sending money to Heifer<\/a>, to writing my book, has been because I love the world – the world of people needing help, the world of Nature which is SO complex and beautiful, such an amazing creation, and I love the people too.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I love people, because for so much of my life I\u2019ve been scared and shy, and it\u2019s hard to find people I can really talk to, and so many people have no idea what it\u2019s like to live with PTSD that they hurt me badly by trying to help.\u00a0 But when I see or hear stories of healing, or communities working together, or communities that are building a new way to be as I can see in the \u201cOccupy\u201d movement, I have no problem loving THOSE people.\u00a0 I don\u2019t trust my ability to be loving, because I don\u2019t feel gushy feelings, and I don\u2019t find it easy to make small talk, but do I want their lives to be better?\u00a0 When I look at what I most deeply want, it\u2019s that people \u2014 that EVERYBODY,\u00a0 all sentient beings \u2014 should be happy and healthy.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking that the way I love is more like what the book\u2019s talking about, and differentiates from attachment.\u00a0 God knows I\u2019ve done a lot of work on releasing attachment, especially to the things I most care about: Neskaya, Lynelle, Bella.\u00a0 I’ve had to let go of any agenda of how they should be and accept how they really are.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Recently I\u2019ve been struggling with depression again again, and my friend Lynelle reminded me of a book that Elizabeth sent me several years ago when I was going through the worst of my breakdown.\u00a0 The Dark Night of the Soul, … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,5,11,14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2322","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","category-healing","category-present-day","category-spirit"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2322","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2322"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2322\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2322"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2322"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2322"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}