(Written in September 2006)
\nI had talked to Kayla about wondering if part of my energy drain had to do with helping Eleanor.\u00a0 If it was, I was OK with it, I just wanted to know that\u2019s what was happening.\u00a0 Kayla said she thought it was unhealthy to let my energy be drained in that way \u2014 and of course it\u2019s possible that my energy is drained in worry about Eleanor and doesn\u2019t help her at all.\u00a0 I found myself in the old conflict: how can I make ugly, worthless Jenny my top priority when there\u2019s beautiful courageous Eleanor, and worthwhile Neskaya, and far more worthy causes to give my energy to?\u00a0 Kayla reminded me of the \u201coxygen mask principle\u201d and I could hear it and agree with my intellect, but the rest of me was all on the other side \u2014 horrified at the idea that I might put myself first.\u00a0 I was vaguely able to remember that I was probably caught in the traumatized baby \u2014 or maybe the traumatized older sister who believed that her life depended on taking care of her younger siblings \u2014 anyway, the choice was before me again: do I make the traumatized baby my first priority, or do I abandon her for some other, more \u201cattractive\u201d project?\u00a0 Put like that, I see that there really is no choice, she is my god given task.\u00a0 I did find it difficult to formulate an intention \u2014 which is probably an indicator of the degree to which I was caught in a non-verbal part of me.\u00a0\u00a0 Something about wanting clarity about where my energy was going so I could consciously direct it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in September 2006) I had talked to Kayla about wondering if part of my energy drain had to do with helping Eleanor.\u00a0 If it was, I was OK with it, I just wanted to know that\u2019s what was happening.\u00a0 … Continue reading