(Written in October 2006)
\nEleanor got mad at me yesterday.\u00a0 She thinks I\u2019m depressed and should be raising my medication.\u00a0 I said I was upset because I printed out stuff calling for political action and nobody cares enough to do anything.\u00a0 She said they\u2019re all overwhelmed and need Neskaya to be a sanctuary.\u00a0 That was hard to hear \u2014 I\u2019m afraid it\u2019s probably true and that\u2019s painful because 1) I\u2019m not doing my proper work of keeping Neskaya as a sanctuary and 2) if everybody is overwhelmed \u2014 then there\u2019s no one left to save the Earth.\u00a0 I was thinking about the polar bears this morning and how I feel like I\u2019m drowning, floating in a sea of fragments of what is supposed to be a solid floor.\u00a0 My heart hurts, it feels like it is about to burst with pain, but at least I don\u2019t have to hold back from the polar bears \u2014 I\u2019m right in there with them, swimming for my life \u2014 except that solid land is too far away and we\u2019re all going to drown.
\nI feel like it\u2019s slap in my face that my job is to take care of Jenny, when I\u2019d rather be in the Peace March (there was one in Concord on Saturday that I\u2019d hoped to go to) \u2014 I\u2019d rather be walking up the road with my colorful banner, and you\u2019re telling me that I have to put down my banner and go back and take care of that piece of shit that\u2019s lying in the road.
\nI feel terrible that Eleanor has been worrying about me when she\u2019s so totally overwhelmed by her life.\u00a0 I see that one thing I can do to help her is to keep my spirits up \u2014 I just don\u2019t know how to do that.<\/p>\n
Signs of depression: too tired to light a fire
\ntoo tired to do yoga
\nhaving trouble eating properly<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 Raising medication is certainly one possibility.\u00a0 That\u2019s what it took last winter.\u00a0 I told Eleanor I would put all the political activity on hold and spend the next month focusing on taking care of the traumatized baby, and see if that helps, and if it doesn\u2019t, then I\u2019ll raise the medication.\u00a0 I wish it didn\u2019t feel like such a defeat.\u00a0 \u201cBut you\u2019re defeated now, aren\u2019t you?\u201d said Eleanor and I have to agree.\u00a0 I wish it didn\u2019t take such a long time to work \u2014 that would be so much easier – if I could \u201cfeel better fast\u201d.<\/p>\n
Profoundly bummed out.\u00a0 I did a bunch of things & now I\u2019ve run out of steam.\u00a0 Crashed and burned.\u00a0 Yes, I really am depressed.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t FEEL like depression, or not like depression used to when it was combined with low thyroid.\u00a0 And I thought I was doing well such a short time ago.\u00a0 But clearly I\u2019m not, clearly I\u2019m losing ground.\u00a0 And I really don\u2019t know what to do about it.<\/p>\n
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(Written in October 2006) Eleanor got mad at me yesterday.\u00a0 She thinks I\u2019m depressed and should be raising my medication.\u00a0 I said I was upset because I printed out stuff calling for political action and nobody cares enough to do … Continue reading