Woke scared.\u00a0 I HATE waking up scared.\u00a0 I\u2019m too uncomfortable to get out of bed, but I\u2019m uncomfortable in bed so why stay there.\u00a0 I tell myself I\u2019ll feel better when I have a cup of tea and get myself out of bed.
\nLooking ahead in my schedule I see some gaps, some empty days.\u00a0 The usual cold chill flows down over my shoulders.\u00a0 Cory\u2019s coming over today thank goodness.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ll do an \u201cashram day\u201d in 20 minute intervals because I\u2019m so scared.
\n20 minutes\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 wash up from breakfast
\n20 minutes\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 read Elizabeth Goudge
\n20 minutes\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 bring in 2 loads of wood
\n20 minutes\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 type journal
\nI really need to talk to someone who cares about me.\u00a0 Called Beverly, got her machine.\u00a0 Called Ann, got her machine.\u00a0 too discouraged to try anyone else.<\/p>\n
Made a cup of tea.\u00a0 I have a new set of affirmations, and I remind myself again again, just because something doesn\u2019t work right away doesn\u2019t mean it doesn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n
AFFIRMATIONS:
\nIt is possible to heal
\nI am doing things that will help me heal
\nI am doing things differently
\nfrom how it was in my childhood
\nfrom what I used to do
\nI am telling the traumatized baby that I will stay with her, I won\u2019t go away, I will give her all the time and space she needs.\u00a0 I am committed to her welfare.
\nI am reaching out to my friends and they are delighted to help me.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nCory came at 1:00 and we went around the whole forest trail with both dogs.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t really enjoy it and I couldn\u2019t have done it without her support.\u00a0 Then we came in & had tea and I read from the Resource book.\u00a0 Cory was very validating and helpful.\u00a0 When she left I felt scared and lost.
\nI have to do some shopping.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to do when I\u2019m this scared.\u00a0 I\u2019ll just get the essentials.<\/p>\nEven late in the afternoon I was still feeling scared, but it did finally fade as it got dark.<\/p>\n
The \u201cAshram Day\u201d is what someone at Kripalu said when I told her I\u2019d been \u201cdoing nothing.\u201d\u00a0 She said \u201cWhat\u2019s that like?\u201d\u00a0 and I said I set the timer and do 30 minutes of housework, 30 minutes of reading, 30 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of walk outdoors..\u00a0 She said \u201cThat\u2019s not nothing, that\u2019s an ashram day.\u201d\u00a0 I started doing 30 minute shifts on days when I was too scared and\/or depressed to be able to tell what I wanted to do, and when I wanted to stop.\u00a0 30 minutes gave me a structure to my day.\u00a0 So now, when I spend some time playing solitaire on the computer, I see it as a \u201cpractice\u201d which distracts my cognitive brain, so that my subconscious and unconscious can perform the work of integration and healing.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think of it as \u201cnothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Resource Book:\u00a0 in Somatic Experiencing a \u201cresource\u201d is anything that can help you feel more grounded and centered.\u00a0 I went through all my journals from 2005 and copied anything anyone told me that was good about myself.\u00a0 It grew to a sizable book.\u00a0 I still read part of it when I\u2019m feeling really discouraged.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Woke scared.\u00a0 I HATE waking up scared.\u00a0 I\u2019m too uncomfortable to get out of bed, but I\u2019m uncomfortable in bed so why stay there.\u00a0 I tell myself I\u2019ll feel better when I have a cup of tea and get myself … Continue reading