(Written in September 2008)
\nAt Neskaya.\u00a0 Having a cup of tea because I\u2019ve been cold all morning.\u00a0 This reminds me of that terrible February when I went to Cincinnati \u2014 for a week?\u00a0 I know I wrote \u201ctwo whole weeks of terror\u201d in my journal.\u00a0 But I can\u2019t imagine that I would have stayed in Cincinnati for two whole weeks.\u00a0 I remember watching \u201cLong Day\u2019s Journey Into Night\u201d on TV and being rivetted by the story of an alcoholic father, drug addicted mother, and the two sons.\u00a0 I remember how it seemed to make visible the dynamics of our family, which weren\u2019t that visible at all.\u00a0 Was that the time?\u00a0 The other one I remember was Night of the Iguana, but whether I saw it as a movie or just read the play I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 \u201c… without a cry, without a prayer, with no betrayal of despair…\u201d<\/p>\n
Kayla\u2019s upset about the insurance for Neskaya.\u00a0 I feel chilled and cold.\u00a0 I can\u2019t think of anything we can do, or anyone we can call, and I don\u2019t know anything about the ins & outs of insurance.\u00a0 Even if I weren\u2019t terrified and lost in a baby place I wouldn\u2019t be able to do more than moral support for her.\u00a0 I feel like I can\u2019t even do that right now.<\/p>\n
When I picked up the traumatized baby from the garbage can I opened the door to this suffering.\u00a0 I don\u2019t regret doing it.\u00a0 I do worry about my adequacy to keep on going, carrying this much of a burden with too little help.\u00a0 Well, I did sleep last night, and I did manage to make and eat rice and eggs for breakfast.\u00a0 One day at a time.<\/p>\n
I was typing up a guidance writing from early August, where they said \u201cYou don\u2019t quit.\u201d I\u2019ve been thinking that I have quit but it isn\u2019t true.\u00a0 I\u2019m still doing my best to hold a vision of healing, of compassion, even though I feel so overwhelmed with terror and despair that I can barely function.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve read the 1st 9 Chapters of Waking the Tiger \u2014 he describes the frozen fear state.\u00a0 So I\u2019m not the only one who\u2019s ever felt it.\u00a0 Other people have felt it and come through it, healed it, come to a new level of vitality for living.\u00a0 It can be healed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in September 2008) At Neskaya.\u00a0 Having a cup of tea because I\u2019ve been cold all morning.\u00a0 This reminds me of that terrible February when I went to Cincinnati \u2014 for a week?\u00a0 I know I wrote \u201ctwo whole weeks … Continue reading