{"id":2149,"date":"2011-12-29T08:21:14","date_gmt":"2011-12-29T13:21:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=2149"},"modified":"2011-12-29T08:24:28","modified_gmt":"2011-12-29T13:24:28","slug":"choices-dysfunctional-beliefs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/?p=2149","title":{"rendered":"Choices & Dysfunctional Beliefs"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Written in April 2003)
\nI\u2019ve been reading thru Byron Katie<\/a> and feeling really discouraged because her process doesn\u2019t work for me.\u00a0 I think it must operate more at a cognitive level, has to do with beliefs that are taken on later in life, not those that are set in infancy.\u00a0 I think of the time when I saw that I wasn\u2019t applying to Bowdoin because \u201cIf I get a higher degree, I\u2019ll be so threatening that no one will marry me and my life will be wasted.\u201d As soon as the belief was out of my mouth I could see it wasn\u2019t true.\u00a0 That sounds more like the kind of experience people are having with her.\u00a0 But my belief about how deeply defective I am, how my life is miserable and it\u2019s all my fault because I\u2019m choosing to be unhappy with conditions that I know objectively are pretty good.\u00a0 I can see intellectually how useless that belief is, how it creates my misery \u2014\u2014\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWho would you be if you couldn\u2019t think that thought?\u201d I\u2019d be happy with my life as it is.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t take discouragements and setbacks as a personal affront, as indicators of how wrong and worthless I am.\u00a0 I\u2019d be like I was that short time in December when I\u2019d stopped being afraid of making a mistake.\u00a0 And I\u2019m angry at myself for not being able to get back to that state.\u00a0 Well, Katie says it\u2019s possible to meet any thought with unconditional love.\u00a0 To do that I have to get some distance.<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s this woman, born with a genetic predisposition to depression.\u00a0 Her early childhood provides many experiences where she doesn\u2019t get what she needs, and she comes to believe that she\u2019s wrong for having needs.\u00a0 Her parents clearly expect her to do something for them \u2014 she hasn\u2019t a clue as to what it might be, but they are so frequently disappointed in her that she comes to believe that she\u2019s always doing \u201cit\u201d wrong.\u00a0 She\u2019s just a child, she has no way to see that what they want is for her to make them feel good about themselves \u2014 which is impossible.\u00a0 But she can\u2019t see that, so she believes their unhappiness is her fault.\u00a0 She\u2019s done a lot of work in her life \u2014 a lot of therapy which she hoped would fix her \u2014 learned about what happens to children in alcoholic families, done workshops, tried medication and the first experience literally traumatized her so she\u2019s struggling with those symptoms too.\u00a0 She\u2019s struggling and struggling in a deep pit, a black hole, quicksand, and she makes it be that it\u2019s her fault that she can\u2019t get out.\u00a0 She should be stronger and wiser, she should just be able to walk away from these painful beliefs, like Katie did, and Tolle<\/a>.\u00a0 So the fact that she can\u2019t just do that means she isn\u2019t really trying, instead of meaning that she\u2019s up against bigger forces \u2014 different forces \u2014 than Katie and Tolle know about.\u00a0 But both of them are so sure that they\u2019ve got the truth and their way is the one that works, and there isn\u2019t anything that\u2019s not amenable to their process.<\/p>\n

Well, I see that it\u2019s buying THIS story that\u2019s making me miserable.\u00a0 Where would I be without those thoughts?\u00a0 I\u2019d be much kinder to myself, much more patient with my difficulties.\u00a0 If I take Levine\u2019s story as the one to live by, that it\u2019s a physiological process, not psychological, not cognitive, or emotional, or moral, just a complex and difficult physiological process that I have to come to terms with, then I\u2019m content to keep working, patiently, with this very confusing and difficult process of staying with the physical sensations and not making myself wrong because they don\u2019t change \u2014 when I\u2019m stuck I need to remind myself that immobility is part of the trauma process.\u00a0 I am truly paralysed, not failing to make a choice I could actually make.\u00a0 I have no choice but to submit to the process as best I can, to be willing to be terrified, stuck, etc. To accept that there\u2019s no easy way out, just this patient discipline of watching sensations in the body.\u00a0 When I think that way, I notice that I\u2019m not overwhelmed by terror any more, not blind with it, that I\u2019m able to see the beauty of the world without the glass wall, then I see that I\u2019ve come a long way instead of being angry at myself for not being \u201call better now\u201d.\u00a0 I \u201cshould\u201d be OK now.\u00a0 Haven\u2019t I done this enough?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 There\u2019s a way to go yet.\u00a0 Just keep doing this process, keep paying attention to sensations in the moment, stop comparing yourself with people who get it quickly & are able to turn things around.<\/p>\n

I \u201cshould\u201d just be able to choose to be happy & then be happy.\u00a0 It\u2019s not fair that I have to struggle so much & others get there quickly.<\/p>\n

Well!\u00a0 There are a couple of painful beliefs that keep me stuck in misery.\u00a0 I should just choose \u2014 but I don\u2019t.\u00a0 Is that because I\u2019m perverse & really want to be miserable? Or because it\u2019s not possible.\u00a0 Which belief creates stress?\u00a0 Which one frees me?\u00a0 IF IT DOESN\u2019T WORK FOR YOU, IT\u2019S NOT TRUE FOR YOU.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Written in April 2003) I\u2019ve been reading thru Byron Katie and feeling really discouraged because her process doesn\u2019t work for me.\u00a0 I think it must operate more at a cognitive level, has to do with beliefs that are taken on … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healing","category-journal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2149"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2149\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennydeupree.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}