(Written in January 1988)<\/p>\n
So how does one “acquire” self-worth \u2014 if that’s a legitimate verb which I suspect it’s not.\u00a0 Self worth is not something one has but something one does, or even deeper than that, it’s a sort of foundation for everything one does.\u00a0 “Self-worth” even is a bad word because it implies being “worthy” and that implies that one has some positive qualities that have “worth”.\u00a0 How can I have self-worth when I’m sick in bed, can’t keep the house clean, can’t even mail out the books on time \u2014 why is that a value, why is that so important?\u00a0 I set it up as a kind of standard for myself, something I like to do if possible, and then immediately it becomes something I must do or I’m bad.\u00a0 I don’t praise myself or get much sense of satisfaction when I do send the books out on time, but I feel guilty and angry when I don’t.\u00a0 But how can I value this person who is inefficient, sick, confused?\u00a0 Yes it’s true that I want to help my friends and that I seem to be able to do so and that they express gratitude.\u00a0 But if I make my self-worth depend on being able to help my friends, then what?\u00a0 Then I get angry at them when I can’t help them, as I’ve been angry at Beverly.\u00a0 And still my self-worth is tied to some sort of achievement.<\/p>\n
So who is this person, this unique, irreplaceable individual?\u00a0 Lynelle said something about self-worth being a commitment to that person \u2014 which would mean taking care of her and understanding her instead of beating on her to make her conform to someone else’s idea of what she should be so that she can get their approval so she can build a self-worth which is spurious because it’s not based on who I really am (which would be an unshakeable foundation) but on approval for an action which is not necessarily “me” but something that someone else would approve.\u00a0 Round and round it goes.\u00a0 How to break out?\u00a0 I don’t know because I have no idea who I am.\u00a0 I only know the parts of me that achieve and get approval \u2014 the astronomy teacher, the writer and lecturer.\u00a0 Sometimes the one who helps her friends, but lots of times I don’t give myself credit for that.<\/p>\n
How can I find out who I am?\u00a0 Who would I be if I weren’t weighed down by all the oughts and the reactive resentment.\u00a0 What comes to mind are the Kripalu workshops which use art (masks, dance) for self-discovery.\u00a0 Why is it so hard to let myself dance?\u00a0 Because it calls up the resentment conflict.\u00a0 I don’t feel that I want to dance but can’t because… (whatever excuse of duty or responsibility.)\u00a0 I feel that I “ought to” dance because it would improve my health, it’s my spiritual path, I should explore this possibility…\u00a0 but I don’t want to and if I make myself then it just brings up the resentment.\u00a0 How can I work with this?\u00a0 It comes up with painting \u2014 I got out the material last week, but never actually pushed myself over the hump to do something.\u00a0 I don’t know how to deal with this.
\nPerhaps explore intent.\u00a0 My intent is not to learn because if it were I would be able to explore in painting.\u00a0 So my intent is to protect.\u00a0 So I feel a great reluctance to paint because if I did I might do something clumsy and ugly and that would mean…\u00a0 that I’m a clumsy ugly person?\u00a0 But then perhaps that’s who I am.\u00a0 I don’t like looking at my art work because it looks like me and I can’t bear looking at me.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because I’m not perfect, because I’m not what my parents wanted, because if I had been different they would have loved me, so when I look at my ugly self I feel the pain of not being loved, of not being loved for who I really am, of being offered love only for being something else.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in January 1988) So how does one “acquire” self-worth \u2014 if that’s a legitimate verb which I suspect it’s not.\u00a0 Self worth is not something one has but something one does, or even deeper than that, it’s a sort … Continue reading