(Written in December 2009)
\nI\u2019m feeling sad and scared.\u00a0 I got the baby and talked to myself as I did with Caryn.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s OK.\u00a0 I\u2019m here and I\u2019ll stay with you and I\u2019ll protect you.\u00a0 Mother is dead, she can\u2019t hurt you now.\u201d That helped a little.\u00a0 I\u2019m still feeling sad but I feel bigger and fuller.\u00a0 Caryn says building the resource incrementally is good.\u00a0 Just a little improvement is good enough.\u00a0 So we worked with me holding the baby \u2014 she brought me two babies so I had the larger one hold the smaller one.\u00a0 Realized this was my childhood as oldest sister, a child trying to parent a smaller child.\u00a0 When I first got there, I curled up in my corner and tried to be as small as possible.\u00a0 Caryn asked if I could do it differently, and then I relaxed and paid attention to my breathing and stopped frantically trying to get smaller.\u00a0 Then I sat up & discharged: shaking and yawning.\u00a0 Caryn suggested remembering times when I was doing OK, and I told her about teaching Az last Sunday at the end of the first half, and about teaching it at Helen\u2019s memorial celebration, and what Randi said about me being a good person.\u00a0 \u201cThis is who I am.\u00a0 This is what I do.\u201d I was thinking that maybe my recent realization that I am a good person set off this backlash.\u00a0 But I think it\u2019s probably more about reading Dream Country, with its theme of parent & children, of children taken away and then rescued, of animals abused and freed.\u00a0 I realized that I identify with the animals that were kept in cages that were too small so their spines got curved and their legs bowed.\u00a0 I\u2019m no longer in the cage \u2014 Mother is dead \u2014 but I\u2019m still trying to stay small.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in December 2009) I\u2019m feeling sad and scared.\u00a0 I got the baby and talked to myself as I did with Caryn.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s OK.\u00a0 I\u2019m here and I\u2019ll stay with you and I\u2019ll protect you.\u00a0 Mother is dead, she can\u2019t … Continue reading