For the last couple of months I’ve been struggling with “lost the will to live” \u2014 the last stage of trauma when the organism has concluded that death is inevitable.\u00a0 Sometimes I’m OK with it, sometimes it’s really hard.\u00a0 I’m caught in the “Demoralization Box” and need someone else to help me out.<\/p>\n
I told Karen how I\u2019d been getting good feedback from people and really having trouble taking it in.\u00a0 Sal & Jan were just here, & Jan said \u201call the people at the Worry Tree love you.\u201d\u00a0 Sal\u2019s reading for me \u2014 I finally got the CD \u2014 says I\u2019m a \u201cworld-server\u201d just by my presence.\u00a0 So how do I prevent really connecting with this information?\u00a0 There have been moments when I\u2019ve felt the truth of my being a good person who\u2019s done a lot of good in the world, and been amazed at its truth, and then somehow it gets lost, I fall back into worthless-hopeless-no-will-to-live.
\nWhat do I feel in my body?\u00a0 squeezed heart, heaviness in my belly.\u00a0 How do I know I\u2019ve lost the will to live?\u00a0 Difficulty deciding what to eat for lunch, difficulty putting together a shopping list.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t it just be easier to stop eating?\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting slumped over with my head stuck out in front.\u00a0 Too tired to sit up straight.
\nMake myself sit up straight.\u00a0 Actually I\u2019m leaning back against the cushion.\u00a0 What is my resistance to letting myself know that I\u2019m a good person who\u2019s made a positive change in the world?\u00a0 What\u2019s the voice in me that says it wouldn\u2019t be OK for me to know that?\u00a0 What am I afraid would happen if I really took it in?\u00a0 I\u2019d get conceited?\u00a0 (makes me laugh) I\u2019d stop doing good?\u00a0 but if I\u2019m doing good even when I\u2019m not doing anything but being present, how can I stop?\u00a0 Is it possible that I\u2019m angry at myself for not having the will to live?\u00a0 Well.\u00a0 There\u2019s some resonance there.\u00a0 So I\u2019m angry at myself for not being able to jack myself up into enthusiasm for my life.\u00a0 Well, I suppose it\u2019s the same thing as being angry at myself for not being able to will myself out of depression.\u00a0 Am I holding onto the idea of \u201cno will to live\u201d because it sounds more grandiose than depression?\u00a0 What does my body want to do?\u00a0 I just want to lie down & do nothing.\u00a0 Might as well do it.<\/p>\n
From today\u2019s perspective, September 26, I can see that what gets in the way of my feeling good enough about myself to have the will to live is the fear that the being who is responsible for my continued existence (i.e. mother) will throw me out on the street where I can\u2019t possibly take care of myself because I\u2019m only an infant.\u00a0 That\u2019s the fear.\u00a0 If I let myself feel good about myself \u2014> I will die.\u00a0 No wonder I can’t take it in.<\/p>\n
The “Demoralization Box” is described by Bruce Levine<\/a>.\u00a0 The difficulty for me is that in order to regain my morale, I need someone else to validate me in some way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" For the last couple of months I’ve been struggling with “lost the will to live” \u2014 the last stage of trauma when the organism has concluded that death is inevitable.\u00a0 Sometimes I’m OK with it, sometimes it’s really hard.\u00a0 I’m … Continue reading