(Written in October 2003)
\nI can\u2019t do this.\u00a0 It\u2019s just too hard.\u00a0 I did the bank deposit & went downtown, shopped, got mail \u2014 all with my heart like a stone, body frozen in fear.\u00a0 Put on Oratorium, collapsed on the floor.\u00a0 Got in touch with the pain, moved a little in the music for Shoror, then just collapsed again.\u00a0 It\u2019s too hard being alone with this.\u00a0 I\u2019m willing to do the process but when I try it on my own I just bog down in depression.
\nI need to find some support right around here.\u00a0 What would help?\u00a0 Someone who\u2019s willing to be with me while I\u2019m in the pain and not try to fix it.\u00a0 Someone who could listen and empathize if I need to talk.\u00a0 Someone who supports me in staying in touch with my feelings and being able to speak them in the moment.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m feeling totally bummed out.\u00a0 I\u2019ve lost my courage.\u00a0 I find myself wondering what one does with a beloved dog if\/when one commits suicide.
\nWell, I can feel a toughness stiffening me, thank god.\u00a0 Yes, this is a war zone, and I fear that the things I love are going under: beauty and peace, co-operation and consideration and compassion, tenderness and mercy \u2014 and our beautiful planet with its richness of biodiversity, and our beautiful human family with its richness of music and dance and costume and food, its many names for God and different ways to contact Spirit.\u00a0 And I know that the physical vehicles of all this richness and beauty are doomed to death and disintegration.\u00a0 So then the only things that last are the creative joy that brings them to birth, and the compassion that witnesses all suffering.\u00a0 Therefore I hold on to my faith in the realm of Spirit, despite the fact that I can\u2019t feel it, I hold on to my need for authenticity and compassion, despite the fact that I can\u2019t feel the compassion.\u00a0 And I try to live with some dignity in this horrific world, sometimes collapsing in abject fear, sometimes continuing to make cups of tea though the bombs are falling.
\nI think what I\u2019m most afraid of is the long slow disintegration, the erosion of my courage in niggling struggles like the one at the supermarket, with no clear crisis that calls out my courage and helps bring people together, but instead just this horror of things getting more and more difficult and we all keep struggling in isolation, getting overwhelmed one by one and going under…\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s the fear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in October 2003) I can\u2019t do this.\u00a0 It\u2019s just too hard.\u00a0 I did the bank deposit & went downtown, shopped, got mail \u2014 all with my heart like a stone, body frozen in fear.\u00a0 Put on Oratorium, collapsed on … Continue reading