(Written in October 2003)
\nI feel dazed and trapped in a small space, unable to move.\u00a0 It feels like there is shaking or quivering in my upper body that\u2019s just on the edge of happening.\u00a0 Tried dancing but it didn\u2019t help, my energy is still caught in my upper body.\u00a0 Tried reading, tried lying down.\u00a0 Reading is meaningless and painful, lying down is not restful.\u00a0 Finally drove up to Gov Gallen & walked to the picnic table with Bella.\u00a0 Tried to be in the present, pay attention to my feet but not very successful.<\/p>\n
Feel like everything I\u2019ve done in my life is wrong, Neskaya is a big mistake, a waste of time and money, and so is the house.\u00a0 What does that feel like in my body?\u00a0 My upper body is full of trapped electrical zingy prickly energy.\u00a0 It\u2019s agitated with nowhere to go.\u00a0 Trapped in by something like armor.\u00a0 My legs don\u2019t feel like muscle & bone they feel like dead fiber, dry dull bland tasteless.\u00a0 No energy, no fluidity.\u00a0 What does the electrical prickly energy want?\u00a0 To be held and comforted, to be reassured that everything\u2019s all right, that it doesn\u2019t have to do anything and can relax.\u00a0 There is no need for action right now, it is truly profoundly OK to rest, all is being taken care of by a larger, wiser, older being.\u00a0 But nothing changes.\u00a0 This is what is so discouraging.\u00a0 I try so hard to \u201cbe with\u201d it, to accept it and comfort it, and nothing does any good.\u00a0 Patience \u2014 a badly frightened child may take time to calm down, and if it\u2019s been left for too long it will be untrustful and rejecting of the parent when it does show up.\u00a0 There there dear, you are doing the best you can with an extremely uncomfortable and painful situation.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s beautiful outdoors, sunlight behind red leaves, piercing and painful.\u00a0 I can\u2019t\/won\u2019t make myself go out.\u00a0 I refuse to make myself go out.\u00a0 I\u2019ve put on the Oratorium in Memory of the Victims of the Armenian Genocide of 1915<\/a> \u2014 thinking it might ease the pain in my heart.<\/p>\n Danced the Ode Verse<\/a> and Shoror<\/a> \u2014 it\u2019s helped.\u00a0 The sun has gone in \u2014 that helps too. Shoror is the name of an Armenian Dance step, it’s a rocking step, like rocking a baby.\u00a0 Laura Shannon<\/a> choreographed a dance to music from the Oratorium called Berceuse.<\/p>\n This entry, from 2003, shows that I am using the techniques of Somatic Experiencing as best I can, but I’m really deep in a very horrible place.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in October 2003) I feel dazed and trapped in a small space, unable to move.\u00a0 It feels like there is shaking or quivering in my upper body that\u2019s just on the edge of happening.\u00a0 Tried dancing but it didn\u2019t … Continue reading
\nThat music helps restore some sense of context.\u00a0 I\u2019m not the only person who suffers, who feels lost and alone in a vast cold landscape, trudging onward carrying the fragments of what was once\/would have been a rich and vital culture.\u00a0 I\u2019m not the only person who sinks down by the roadside unable to keep going because of the weight in the heart, and the fear that there is no oasis out there, no camp full of friends, no refuge, but only a barren waste where one will die sooner or later.
\nAnd yet I have been able to create Neskaya, this refuge, this \u201chealing sanctuary\u201d where people are able to come and be their real selves, knowing that they are welcomed.\u00a0 I have created for others what my parents denied me, and I seem to be unable to participate in the healing myself \u2014 is that true? or is this place healing me little by little?<\/p>\n