(Written in October 2003)
\nTried the Heart Flow again but nearly fell asleep so I got up & danced hoping it would help.\u00a0 The damn dog next door with the high-pitched bark irritates me \u2014 I try to bring compassion to my hypersensitive irritable self.
\nReading Greenspan on despair is tough going.\u00a0 I agree with her that the culture pathologizes despair in an unhealthy way and simultaneously creates more of it with the pressure to \u201cfeel good\u201d.\u00a0 It makes sense that staying with despair could lead to transformation.\u00a0 But either I haven\u2019t had the right kind of help or I just don\u2019t have the skills.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of the struggle.\u00a0 Maybe I just need more support than I\u2019ve got.\u00a0 It\u2019s just too hard being alone so much.<\/p>\n
Took Bella up Rte 3.\u00a0 I could feel the pain in my heart but I was also open to the beauty of the day \u2014 one of the few times I\u2019ve been able to have both.\u00a0\u00a0 The beauty was painful not heartlifting, but I felt very alive.<\/p>\n
Next day:\u00a0\u00a0 Staying with my heart seems to help me be more present with the world, tho even beauty is painful, not uplifting.\u00a0 I noticed that I\u2019m not depressed tho I get waves of hopelessness, they pass and I\u2019m back with grief.\u00a0 I also don\u2019t seem to be in despair any more.\u00a0 Life is not meaningless \u2014 I was able to rejoice yesterday that I\u2019ve been able to give both Gene and Greg opportunities to exercise their creativity in work that they love. And I have meaningful work which is this work to stay with my heart.\u00a0 Doing it, although difficult and painful, is self-validating, I\u2019m not questioning whether it\u2019s worth doing.\u00a0 Perhaps because I\u2019ve given up all notions of \u201cgetting things done\u201d out there.\u00a0 I\u2019ve dropped everything I can drop and fortunately people have been there to pick up what has to be done.\u00a0 I wish there was an ashram where I could go and be supported through this process \u2014 on that thought something closes across my heart and bulges up into my throat.\u00a0 What is it?\u00a0 Hopelessness and anger that there is no such place and I have to do it all by myself?\u00a0 The lump eases and I\u2019m back with the huge ache in my heart.
\nI think it\u2019s my intention to offer myself to the process of grief, to surrender unconditionally \u2014 I have faith that I will be transformed, but into what I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 At the moment I can\u2019t imagine an ending to the pain, can\u2019t imagine finding joy again.\u00a0 I\u2019m still willing to stick with this process.\u00a0 It\u2019s clear to me that this is what I\u2019ve been given (or chosen) to deal with right now.\u00a0 I started to say it\u2019s my intention that\u2019s made possible this more alive way of being with the pain.<\/p>\n
When I\u2019m in touch with the pain, it\u2019s so deep and intense that I understand why I\u2019m depressed so much.\u00a0 I also understand why I cut myself as a way to deal with it.\u00a0 So there\u2019s greater compassion for my struggle.<\/p>\n
For Greenspan and “heart flow” see earlier entry<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in October 2003) Tried the Heart Flow again but nearly fell asleep so I got up & danced hoping it would help.\u00a0 The damn dog next door with the high-pitched bark irritates me \u2014 I try to bring compassion … Continue reading