(Written in 2003)<\/p>\n
I\u2019m reading from the beginning of \u201897.\u00a0 Mostly writing down affirmations that I don\u2019t believe.\u00a0 I\u2019m clearly in pretty bad shape.\u00a0 I can also see how badly my husband let me down, how he was distancing himself. How the help he offered was always intellectual \/cognitive and sometimes invalidating: he got angry at me for \u201cwhining\u201d, worried that he was \u201cenabling\u201d me by helping me \u2014 every time he did one of those I ended up feeling so bad I just wanted to die.\u00a0 The times when I actually felt strengthened were when Lynelle validated that the feelings were responses to abuse in early childhood.\u00a0 It\u2019s so clear now \u2014 but it certainly wasn\u2019t then.\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t have the understanding that if it \u201cworked\u201d, if it made me feel stronger and more grounded, then it was true, and if it plunged me back into the misery, then it was false.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ve only really got that very recently.\u00a0 I see that my childhood experience left me with the belief that if I found something comforting, then it was a lie I told myself, but if I found it painful it was a truth I didn\u2019t want to see.\u00a0 What an inversion!\u00a0 It was Mom & Dad who told themselves lies to keep comfortable, and who got angry or hurt if someone told them a truth they didn\u2019t want to hear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in 2003) I\u2019m reading from the beginning of \u201897.\u00a0 Mostly writing down affirmations that I don\u2019t believe.\u00a0 I\u2019m clearly in pretty bad shape.\u00a0 I can also see how badly my husband let me down, how he was distancing himself. … Continue reading