I was pretty much in low-grade fear all day yesterday.\u00a0 I was able to cry a little, sitting with Eleanor.\u00a0\u00a0 I can feel a pain and coldness in my heart right now.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My heart really aches.\u00a0 I feel sad and need some sense of hope.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m helplessly watching the decline and fall of Western Civilization.
\nI haven\u2019t done a blog post in\u00a0 a while.\u00a0 Partly still processing the shock of Evie\u2019s death, also having some difficult conflicts in my personal life.\u00a0 Being asked to do things that are too much for my still fragile emotional state, and not knowing how to explain to people who I don\u2019t feel safe with.\u00a0 The recent idiocy in Washington left me feeling like I just wanted to drop every effort in the political direction.\u00a0 Stop signing petitions, contacting congresspeople, sending money.\u00a0 I feel like I\u2019m watching a huge house of cards beginning to collapse in slow motion.
\nYes, I\u2019m demoralized.\u00a0 It\u2019s been hard to do practical things and there\u2019s so much that needs to be done.\u00a0 I did do a laundry (good for me!) and I did shine the silver frame of the picture of Dad as a little boy (good for me!)\u00a0 I also dealt with two bank statements (good for me!) and see that I spent very little in July (good for me!) but I\u2019m still at the edge of my income.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m hoping to give away a lot of family pieces: Granny\u2019s desk, the silver teapot, the picture of Daddy, etc.\u00a0 Families in the next generation might like having some of them.\u00a0 It occurred to me that I\u2019m trying to lighten the load.\u00a0 Wanting to die on a regular basis for nearly three years has left me feeling like I\u2019ll welcome death when it comes.\u00a0 I read in Animals in Spirit: \u201cDeath means wanting to be peaceful; it\u2019s knowing that your work is done.\u201d (Posted February 19, 2011)\u00a0 I feel that I\u2019ve done what I can to make the world a better place, and I\u2019m ready to lay down the burden.\u00a0 Even though I\u2019m basically enjoying my life \u2014 well, I\u2019m not today, I\u2019m really feeling depressed\/demoralized.<\/p>\n
I need some kind of jump-start.\u00a0 That would mean someone from outside giving me a boost.\u00a0 I remember Kayla saying that the Reiki training really helped her get going again when her life had been feeling stagnant.\u00a0 I need something like that.<\/p>\n
I think about the sacred calendar.\u00a0 Kayla got very excited about the idea of presenting it as an Elderhostel program.\u00a0 So there\u2019s a little boost.\u00a0 But the slide show being stalled leaves me feeling demoralized in that direction.\u00a0 A friend told me yesterday that Mercury has gone retrograde.\u00a0 No wonder the wrong car parts were sent.\u00a0 In some ways a perfect time to convert out-of-date documents, and get rid of stuff I don\u2019t need.<\/p>\n
Talking to some friends yesterday we agreed that the most important thing was to stay centered, focus on what we can do to create positive energy \u2014 in my case that means keep dancing \u2014 and hold my discouragement gently & with compassion.\u00a0 \u201cQuiet my mind, open my heart, and offer compassion to the beings I see before me.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was pretty much in low-grade fear all day yesterday.\u00a0 I was able to cry a little, sitting with Eleanor.\u00a0\u00a0 I can feel a pain and coldness in my heart right now.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My heart really aches.\u00a0 I feel sad and … Continue reading