It’s been quite a while since I posted entries relating to the breakdown I experienced in the fall of 2008 and the winter of 2009.\u00a0 You can catch up with these by clicking on the link for “breakdown.”<\/p>\n
(Written in February 2009)
\nIntense session with Caryn.\u00a0 Got ensconced in the corner, cried a bit.\u00a0 We talked about ideas for Neskaya\u2019s future \u2014 rehearsal space for dance groups!\u00a0 Then I lay down on my side with my legs wrapped around her butt to protect my stomach.\u00a0 Then there was intense anguished crying, pushing with my feet, almost pounding with my head & hands, body writhing.\u00a0 I felt horribly lost while I was doing it.\u00a0 Finally I ran out of steam & just lay there.\u00a0 I began to be aware of Caryn as alive and responsive, and to move my body in exploration of this small space, which contained me, held me, yet left room for me to be myself, to be my own shape.\u00a0 I called it \u201cthe first home.\u201d Caryn said I had expressed a lot of pain about my early experience and what it was lacking, and now I was able to take in the safety and holding that she was making available.<\/p>\n
I felt a lot better in the evening.\u00a0 Able to work on a puzzle \u2014 if not with real enjoyment at least without the sense of it\u2019s being a chore.\u00a0 Also \u2014 when Judy was here she offered to wash my hair.\u00a0 We did it in the sink.\u00a0 So sweet of her.\u00a0 I would never have thought of asking.<\/p>\n
(One of the things that happens to me when I’m deep in the pit of depression\/terror is that I find personal grooming impossible.\u00a0 When I’m really terrified I can’t take off my clothes to take a shower. One of the ways I know I’m getting better is I start to be able to comb my hair and brush my teeth.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s been quite a while since I posted entries relating to the breakdown I experienced in the fall of 2008 and the winter of 2009.\u00a0 You can catch up with these by clicking on the link for “breakdown.” (Written in … Continue reading