(Written in May 2009)
\nLast night when I got home I just felt completely exhausted and discouraged.\u00a0 I\u2019m so tired of trying to remember all the things I need to keep doing to heal, and I don\u2019t know if any of these things are actually helping.\u00a0 Last night I just felt so despairing that I quit trying, spent the evening reading Lord of the Rings.<\/p>\n
Why do I care if people know how I feel?\u00a0 I do want people to know how I feel, not so they will feel sorry for me, but so they will forgive me for not doing better with my life.\u00a0 I guess it\u2019s really me who needs to forgive me for not doing better with my life.\u00a0 Why do I wish I had done better with my life?\u00a0 So people would admire me and think I was special?\u00a0 The irony is there are a lot of people who admire me and think I\u2019ve done something wonderful in building and maintaining Neskaya.\u00a0 But it doesn\u2019t touch me, I can\u2019t take it in.\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t do it for them anyway, or to prove something to my parents.\u00a0 I did it for the dances, which I love, for the sacred calendar, for the sacred dimension of the world.<\/p>\n
So before whom do I feel like a failure?\u00a0 Before Spirit.\u00a0 Spirit gave me this life, and a set of talents and a lot of creativity \u2014 and I haven\u2019t begun to live the life \u2014 wide, wild, creative \u2014 that should have sprung from these roots.\u00a0 On the other hand, I was badly wounded, damaged at the beginning, in such a way that living my creative life was impossible.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had to fight for it every step of the way, fighting internalized voices that tell me that expressing myself is wicked and\/or worthless.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been able to bring the creative seed into full flower.\u00a0 Could I have done it?\u00a0 Spirit remains silent.\u00a0 I think I should have done better, should have worked harder to heal…\u00a0\u00a0 But it\u2019s taken everything I\u2019ve got to get this far.\u00a0 And I\u2019m exhausted.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t got the energy to keep doing things that might help.\u00a0 It would probably be good if I could do yoga, but right now I can\u2019t do it without the support of a teacher and a class.<\/p>\n
What was I supposed to have done?\u00a0 What could I have done differently?\u00a0 I tried so many different things, that didn\u2019t help, or helped a little but then stopped working.\u00a0 I could have gone on medication sooner, but given my resistance to using drugs because of my parents\u2019 alcoholism, it was really unlikely.\u00a0 I could have tried Somatic Experiencing sooner \u2014 but I didn\u2019t realize I had been traumatized.\u00a0 It took me quite a long time to believe it.\u00a0 And I had seen the ad for the tape set in Sounds True which said \u201cget better without years of expensive psychotherapy\u201d, and I was suspicious because I had tried other \u201cquick roads\u201d: NLP, the auditory training, healers that others recommended, which didn\u2019t work.\u00a0 So what could I have done differently?\u00a0 Worked harder, been more disciplined…\u00a0\u00a0 That inner voice has pushed me all my life to \u201csoldier on\u201d in the service of some impossible ideal, and some illusion that I could actually do more than I\u2019m really able to do.\u00a0 Perseverance is needed for Somatic Experiencing it\u2019s true, but pushing and striving don\u2019t work.<\/p>\n
What is really needed to heal from these kinds of wounds is gentleness and patience, and I\u2019m not very good with those, despite years of Karen\u2019s repeating and modeling the words.\u00a0 Well, at least I don\u2019t feel like I messed up my life with conscious choices \u2014 or even unconscious ones.\u00a0 There must be a lot of people out there with huge regrets \u2014 If only I hadn\u2019t done X or Y or Z.\u00a0 At least I don\u2019t have that.<\/p>\n
I finally asked Spirit \u201cDo you forgive me?\u201d and Spirit said \u201cof course\u201d with a lot of warmth.\u00a0 So I\u2019m the one who\u2019s having a hard time forgiving me.\u00a0 I should have known what to do and then done it.\u00a0 I should have figured out the right thing.\u00a0 Instead I stumbled around, struggling with anxiety and depression, desperately trying to find someone to love me and choosing men who didn\u2019t want to commit, desperately trying to prove I deserved to live.
\nSo I\u2019m really angry at myself for not doing better.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself for not being able to go out and work in the garden on this beautiful day.\u00a0 Or even haul in loads of wood.\u00a0 I was able to work in the garden when I got back from the good session with Caryn.\u00a0 I was at least able to hang out with Linda while she worked in the garden.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t able to do much.\u00a0 I am truly doing the best I can.\u00a0 Here come the tears and the sadness.\u00a0 I simply haven\u2019t got what it takes to do more, my moral and physical energy has collapsed.\u00a0 Perhaps that\u2019s from soldiering on to get a lot done yesterday.<\/p>\n
So do I forgive myself for not doing better?\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 The truth is I don\u2019t have enough support.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have enough friends who are willing to accept me as I am, and spend time with me, do grief work with me, feed me.\u00a0 I do have Janet, Linda, Pat, Ann, and Randi.\u00a0 Beverly is too far away, Lynelle has enough on her plate already.\u00a0 Doing this really deep emotional work doesn\u2019t leave much energy for the surface practical level.\u00a0 I\u2019m barely hanging on.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in May 2009) Last night when I got home I just felt completely exhausted and discouraged.\u00a0 I\u2019m so tired of trying to remember all the things I need to keep doing to heal, and I don\u2019t know if any … Continue reading