(Written in February 2009)
\nSession with Caryn.\u00a0 I collapsed onto the floor and stayed there most of the session.\u00a0 I said that I wanted someone to take care of me 24 hours a day, that I desperately needed to be touched.\u00a0 She said it was very courageous of me to allow myself to feel those feelings and to speak the truth.\u00a0 She suggested that I set up a network of friends who would coordinate visits and bring me food, help walk the dog, share cups of tea.\u00a0 I started writing an email to Janet but haven\u2019t sent it.\u00a0 I thought of trying to call Judy Brubaker and panicked.\u00a0 It sounds like a really good idea, but I think my lack of self-worth is getting in the way.
\nWe also worked on trying to find a resource \u2014 my butt and legs continue to work pretty well but everything else has fallen away.\u00a0 I thought of Mama Greene, and told Caryn about my pain that I think I was special to her and never reciprocated adequately because I was afraid of Mom\u2019s jealousy.\u00a0 I told her about Magee saying \u201cno you were never that way\u201d and how it felt like absolution.\u00a0 I could feel a little warmth and tenderness in my heart, then it felt raw and vulnerable.\u00a0 I was able to breathe in and out of it.\u00a0 Caryn says my body is much softer, that I\u2019m letting go of a lot of body armor.\u00a0 I just feel lost.\u00a0 She says it\u2019s possible to heal, I hope she\u2019s right.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in February 2009) Session with Caryn.\u00a0 I collapsed onto the floor and stayed there most of the session.\u00a0 I said that I wanted someone to take care of me 24 hours a day, that I desperately needed to be … Continue reading