(Written in January 2009)<\/p>\n
I feel like my courage and strength have been broken by this last ordeal, that I have been unable to bear the magnitude of the pain entrusted to me.\u00a0 I think well there are lots of others who have collapsed under pain that was unbearable.\u00a0 I\u2019m just trying to manage a jarred mechanism of body & nervous system that makes it hard to cope.\u00a0 There are lots of other people out there struggling with mental illness, some hospitalized some not.\u00a0 I think of Louise, also struggling with bipolar and with PTSD, and with much worse heavy metal poisoning.\u00a0 And Eleanor.\u00a0 And Randi.\u00a0 And I am pitying myself, and also judging myself for not doing better.<\/p>\n
Yes, I\u2019m feeling ashamed that it\u2019s being so hard just to keep going.\u00a0 I realize I\u2019ve been imagining that what I\u2019m up against is much bigger than what other people are up against \u2014 because of the way the infancy state gets triggered \u2014 but that\u2019s not true.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure there are people out there whose lives are harder than mine \u2014 Eleanor for example \u2014 and people whose lives are easier \u2014 I think of Janet and Kayla who\u2019ve both been depressed but come out of it pretty quickly.\u00a0 I wish that thinking of other people who are having a hard time brought a sense of fellowship as it has in the past, but it doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 Instead I feel like there\u2019s no one left to help me, and I really need all the help I can get.\u00a0 It\u2019s also true that there\u2019s no way I can compare my inner experience with someone else\u2019s.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 OK. one day at a time. loving kindness.<\/p>\n
Signs that I am doing better
\nAble to get out & exercise
\nFixing & eating decent meals
\nSleeping OK
\nBeing able to act cheerful when I don\u2019t feel it.
\nFeeling better after spending some low key time with someone e.g. Janet
\nCalling people for help, and just asking for company snowshoeing or for a cup of tea.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in January 2009) I feel like my courage and strength have been broken by this last ordeal, that I have been unable to bear the magnitude of the pain entrusted to me.\u00a0 I think well there are lots of … Continue reading