In April of 1976 I went to a women\u2019s weekend retreat. It was very illuminating for me.\u00a0 Afterward I did a number of therapy sessions with Phyllis. This is what I wrote in 1976:<\/p>\n
the core of the weekend for me was Saturday night.\u00a0 we had split into two groups, I was in Phyllis’ group.\u00a0 She had worked with Nan, with Sandy, with Brooke, with Shiela, and asked for our feelings as a way to close.\u00a0 I had felt that I wanted to say something, but could not think what, but now my stomach began to feel very anxious, so finally I said that.\u00a0 Phyllis asked if I wanted a body massage like the ones the group had given Shiela and Brooke.\u00a0 I was not sure, but said yes \u2014 and was very aggressive about asking for what I wanted.\u00a0 But afterward my stomach still felt tight, though i felt very relaxed.\u00a0 Phyllis asked me how I felt and I started into a routine about whether or not my anxiety was important enough to deal with.\u00a0 She put her hand on my mouth and said ‘I don’t want to listen to your head.’\u00a0 Immediately i felt utterly safe.\u00a0 I could say whatever came to me, and trust Phyllis to decide if it was important.\u00a0 So I just lay there quietly and the word ‘woman’ came swimming up.\u00a0 So I said ‘It must have to do with being a woman because thats why I’m here.’\u00a0 a long pause.\u00a0 ‘I don’t feel that I am nurturing and compassionate, and I would like to be.’\u00a0 a pause.\u00a0 Phyllis ‘why would you like to be nurturing?’\u00a0 I thought or said ‘It would make me feel good about myself’ and then started into a routine about how one should be nurturing for the sake of others not to feel good about oneself.\u00a0 She stopped me again and suddenly I realized that ‘It makes me feel good about myself ‘ was a perfectly good reason for wanting to be nurturing, I started to voice it but just saying ‘feel good about myself’ brought up all sorts of emotion and tears and I knew we had hit the core.\u00a0 Phyllis made me sit up and face her, and I said ‘you mean its ALL RIGHT to feel good about myself?’ and she said yes, and I asked the group and they said yes, and then I asked them if it had been OK with them the first night when I had gotten all enthusiastic about journal keeping and they said things like ‘it inspired me’ and ‘im glad you wanted to share it with us’ and I burst into tears and said ‘you mean it wasn’t bragging?’\u00a0 Phyllis said ‘how do you feel now?’ and i said ‘like a little bird that has just broken its shell and is looking around.’\u00a0 In some ways a very childish scene on a very childish level, but the very strength of my emotions convinced me of the damning reality of my belief that it was wrong to feel good about myself.\u00a0 Now I see the source of my difficulties in trying to feel good about myself, even though I’ve been struggling to do so for the last year and a half, believing that this was the only way to begin to be loving and outgoing to other people.<\/p>\n
This is exactly how I wrote it, 35 years ago.\u00a0 I notice my disclaimer at the end, calling what I had done “childish”.\u00a0 Don’t think I’d do that now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In April of 1976 I went to a women\u2019s weekend retreat. It was very illuminating for me.\u00a0 Afterward I did a number of therapy sessions with Phyllis. This is what I wrote in 1976: the core of the weekend for … Continue reading