(Written in December 2008)
\nWork with Caryn was very hard.\u00a0 I kept having waves of complete discouragement and hopelessness.\u00a0 I was reminded of that step in my pattern where I conclude \u201cI can\u2019t do this\u201d when one step in a process doesn\u2019t work.\u00a0 I also think of the deep discouragement of a neglected baby who truly can\u2019t get its needs met.\u00a0 Caryn said the damage happened in relationship, so it has to be healed in relationship.\u00a0 O god that just feels so impossible.\u00a0 I clearly need friends that I can just hang out with, and I don\u2019t have any.\u00a0 Except for my dance circle and that only meets once a week.\u00a0 I said to Caryn at one point \u201cI expect to be judged\u201d, and it was horrifying and painful to see how powerful that inner critic is.\u00a0 I\u2019m much harder on myself than I am on anyone else.\u00a0 \u201cChildren of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.\u201d In the session I came to a place of saying \u201cI can\u2019t do it\u201d, but I was frustrated and angry and still expecting myself, needing myself, to be able to do it.\u00a0 I know that it\u2019s possible to accept not being able to do something and experience it as a relief, but that doesn\u2019t seem possible right now.\u00a0 If I can\u2019t change myself and my life then I\u2019m stuck in this unlivable misery.\u00a0 Can I bring love to this baby with the cold rejecting judgmental mother?\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Can I bring love to this woman who\u2019s so frightened and lonely and blaming herself? Yes.
\nThere was a piece about getting resourced \u2014 the only resource I have is my weight on the couch, letting it sink down as much as possible, letting myself experience being supported by what is under me.\u00a0 Stay with it as long as I can, until a thought or discomfort comes in.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s activation\u201d says Caryn, the job is not to follow it out, or figure it out, or make it go away, but just to be with it with acceptance.\u00a0 See what happens.\u00a0 With Caryn\u2019s comforting presence, I was able to be with whatever it was with acceptance and it faded.\u00a0 I did it several times in the session, and I\u2019ve done it several times this morning.\u00a0 A Success!<\/p>\n
So, dear Jenny, remember this: you don\u2019t have to change yourself and your life.\u00a0 You can create a vision and make a choice.\u00a0 Then you can focus on the present moment and the next step, accept yourself just as you are every step along the way.\u00a0 God\u2019s grace will help you, and your life will change.
\nVision: I have lots of friends who enjoy having me hang out with them.
\nI choose to have lots of opportunities to hang out with friends who accept me unconditionally.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m beginning to be able to look at my whole life with a lot more compassion, and I see what a desperately hard life it\u2019s been.\u00a0 I think of myself walking the corridors at Kripalu because I couldn\u2019t sleep, walking around behind Jane\u2019s house at night in the rain chanting the prajna paramita, and my heart goes out to me.\u00a0 I think I\u2019m beginning to see it with compassion instead of denial, self-rejection or self-pity.\u00a0 This is the good that\u2019s coming out of this bad time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in December 2008) Work with Caryn was very hard.\u00a0 I kept having waves of complete discouragement and hopelessness.\u00a0 I was reminded of that step in my pattern where I conclude \u201cI can\u2019t do this\u201d when one step in a … Continue reading