(Written in December 2008)
\nGot up at 6 feeling very bleak.\u00a0 Trying to bring compassion to wretched Bella \u2014 I was angry at her for not letting me sleep \u2014 and to my miserable self \u2014 I turned to the Jesus prayer.\u00a0 Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me.\u00a0 I also prayed for Bella \u2014 Deva of the Tibetan Terriers have mercy on Bella \u2014 and gradually it began to soften.\u00a0 Then I thought about something I read yesterday and was grateful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat, and wasn\u2019t trying to sleep under a bridge or dying in pain in a VA hospital.\u00a0 So then I was aware of the traumatized baby, and the homeless one, and the dying soldier, and I was able to hold us all in love.\u00a0 I thought how we are all going back to the Great Love that called us into being.\u00a0 I felt quite warm, sitting here holding the baby and sending out love.\u00a0 I also called on Jesus and he came right away.\u00a0 I was worried about taking up his time and he laughed and said he could be with many people at once.\u00a0 He was very affectionate and warm and said he loved me: my creative outrageous parts and my shut down parts.\u00a0 He said he was always with me, even when I was cold and stony and couldn\u2019t feel his presence.\u00a0 That was all very comforting.<\/p>\n
Moon going down \u2014 one of today’s little joys \u2014 and sun on Garnet Hill.\u00a0 Thank you.<\/p>\n
I told Lynelle about the retreat last night.\u00a0 She thought I had done some good work and understood how hard it was.\u00a0 I talked about the coldness of Buddhism \u2014 the spaciousness and emptiness and no warmth, no loving god \u2014 she said that\u2019s how a baby feels when mom is gone.\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 It all goes back to that.<\/p>\n
I told Kayla that the retreat had been hard work, that I didn\u2019t have enough support in my life.\u00a0 She suggested I might want to think about having someone come live with me \u2014 room & board in exchange for housework & cooking.\u00a0 It\u2019s actually a good idea \u2014 I think of Elizabeth Goudge and Jessie Munro \u2014 but I\u2019m daunted by the task of trying to find someone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in December 2008) Got up at 6 feeling very bleak.\u00a0 Trying to bring compassion to wretched Bella \u2014 I was angry at her for not letting me sleep \u2014 and to my miserable self \u2014 I turned to the … Continue reading