(Written in December 2008)
\nI\u2019m at a retreat with Jack Kornfield at Kripalu.\u00a0 The last time I came it was very helpful, but this time it isn\u2019t working.<\/p>\n
This is just being too hard.\u00a0 I\u2019m wondering if I should leave and go home but there\u2019s nothing better at home.\u00a0 I had trouble listening to Jack talk about Buddhist psychology \u2014 it all felt like things I can\u2019t do, that I\u2019m stuck in self-hatred and delusion, and although he says it\u2019s possible to be free, to step out of it, I can\u2019t do it.\u00a0 All my efforts have resulted in being more stuck.\u00a0 I can vaguely remember times intellectually, when I understood something and it was liberating, but there\u2019s no feeling that comes to confirm it.<\/p>\n
This morning, in the sitting, I tried to sit with depression.\u00a0 First I imagined a grey stony figure sitting in front of me, then I had it be depressed Jenny.\u00a0 She was in a small room paved and walled with stone, she was writhing and beating her head against the wall.\u00a0 I did my best to stay with her, to witness her pain, but it was very difficult.\u00a0 I was able to be with it for a bit, but I was also on the edge of overwhelm.\u00a0 It\u2019s just too much pain.\u00a0 I called on Spirit to help me but no one came.\u00a0 I tried to come out of it, to be in the room, feel my body, etc, and that helped a little but didn\u2019t really give me a vacation.\u00a0 I thought about that other time, when the pain was so intense that I understood why people would abuse children, take drugs, kill to avoid feeling that much pain.\u00a0 But it didn\u2019t last very long.\u00a0 This time it\u2019s too much for me, way too much.\u00a0 I feel hopelessly inadequate to the amount of pain entrusted to me.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that the definition of trauma?\u00a0 I think \u201cThis is a traumatized baby,\u201d and feel a movement of my heart in sympathy, but I also feel a degree of hopelessness and helplessness that keeps me frozen.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that the definition of trauma?<\/p>\n
What do I need to hear from some very kind, very loving, very wise being?\u00a0 Dear, this is too much for you.\u00a0 It was too much when you were a baby and it\u2019s too much now.\u00a0 You need to be very kind to yourself.\u00a0 You need to stop trying to do a task that\u2019s too adult for you right now.\u00a0 You are putting in so much effort, yes beating your head against the wall, because you believe that this is the only way you have to help the world you love.\u00a0 You do truly love the world \u2014 the world of nature, and the community of human beings that is capable of loving co-operation \u2014 you do care, and you have done many things to help the world, not least among them your intention for good.\u00a0 But right now, you are unable to feel your own caring, your wish and capacity to do good.\u00a0 You are caught in the pain of a traumatized baby.\u00a0 Due to circumstances beyond your control, there is no community of support available to you.\u00a0 Your life has become unworkable, and you need to support yourself with medication, you need to find a medication that works.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in December 2008) I\u2019m at a retreat with Jack Kornfield at Kripalu.\u00a0 The last time I came it was very helpful, but this time it isn\u2019t working. This is just being too hard.\u00a0 I\u2019m wondering if I should leave … Continue reading