(Written in November 2008)
\nI was getting ready to go to Lore (my art therapist), but didn\u2019t have much to take for the Retablo project I wanted to work on, I could feel the possibility of being torn apart, my resistance to it, and my wish to open the closedness and have a wider life.\u00a0 And it occurred to me that before the caterpillar gets \u201ctorn apart\u201d it puts itself in a safe cocoon.\u00a0 THAT’S what I need.\u00a0 Not to subject myself to outside forces.\u00a0 I tried that.\u00a0 I\u2019ve thrown myself into so many things – California in the 60\u2019s, etc. that were nothing but disasters because I had no idea of what I was really up against: an insidious form of PTSD and a family of origin who taught me to believe that everything I suffered from was my own fault.\u00a0 Because the trauma didn\u2019t come from an obviously recognizable external event, it\u2019s been very hard to validate.\u00a0 I\u2019m still struggling with accepting that I\u2019m so damaged.\u00a0 And I\u2019m still struggling with accepting, even being able to see, my limits, to really understand what I can do, and what I can\u2019t do.\u00a0 \u201cAnd the wisdom to know the difference.\u201d The tightening financial situation has forced me to see that I can\u2019t continue giving away money to causes I profoundly believe in, and that I can\u2019t build the house for Eleanor that I had hoped to build.\u00a0 It became clear to me at some point that I couldn\u2019t do the work of helping design and make decisions, but I thought I could pay a team of others, but now I can\u2019t even do that.\u00a0 And I feel bad about it rather than relieved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in November 2008) I was getting ready to go to Lore (my art therapist), but didn\u2019t have much to take for the Retablo project I wanted to work on, I could feel the possibility of being torn apart, my … Continue reading