(Written in November 2008.\u00a0 After having a very bad time in August-September of 2008, I had a little respite in October & then things got bad again in late November.)<\/p>\n
Trouble eating yesterday, slept badly last night.\u00a0 It\u2019s 10\u00b0 out.\u00a0 I\u2019m also cold because I\u2019m depressed.\u00a0 I lit a fire for moral support as well as warmth.\u00a0 I find I\u2019m wanting to be stingy with wood \u2014 as though that would help the financial crisis \u2014 but that seems silly.
\nMade tea hoping it would perk me up.\u00a0 My heart is still hurting.\u00a0 Intellectually I have hope, but emotionally I\u2019m sad, scared, and confused.\u00a0 also overwhelmed.\u00a0 I feel like a kid trying to do an adult\u2019s job and failing miserably and there\u2019s no one to ask for help.
\nWe\u2019re all in this together \u2014 there must be a lot of people out there who are feeling as scared and defeated as I am.\u00a0 What makes it hard is we\u2019re so isolated.<\/p>\n
Called Karen, she called back.\u00a0 Reminded me that I know what to do, that I don\u2019t have to do anything, that the frightened baby needs gentleness, that paying attention to my butt on the couch was \u201cgood enough.\u201d I remembered that if I could just make the time interval short enough that would help but I found it very hard to do.\u00a0 Also so hard not to be angry at myself for being incompetent.\u00a0 I told Karen how I would think of doing something like walk the dog and feel all my energy & substance drain out of my body.\u00a0 She said \u201cthat\u2019s the thought \u2014 stay out of thinking mode.\u201d Hard to do but I keep working on it.\u00a0 Also said, reminded myself, that I was afraid I wouldn\u2019t be able to teach dance last night, but I was fine when people showed up.
\nSO. I did all these things despite being afraid when I thought about them:
\n1) taught dance
\n2) took a shower
\n3) made supper & ate it
\n4) called Lore for an appt
\n5) called Kellie for an appt
\n6) watered the plants
\n7) made an appt wed to get snow tires on
\n8) cut Bella\u2019s nails on her front feet (good for me!)<\/p>\n
I am actually being able to do things, not failing to cope as badly as I think.<\/p>\n
I think I started to do better after Karen pointed out that even though I felt I couldn\u2019t possibly do something when I thought about it, when I actually went to do it I was OK.\u00a0 I made a list of things I had managed to do and kept reciting it to myself, I tried my best not to think, I did a couple of 20 min rounds of counting my breath.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in November 2008.\u00a0 After having a very bad time in August-September of 2008, I had a little respite in October & then things got bad again in late November.) Trouble eating yesterday, slept badly last night.\u00a0 It\u2019s 10\u00b0 out.\u00a0 … Continue reading