(Written in October 2008)
\nFeeling cranky and irritable.\u00a0 I felt this way yesterday and Sunday too.\u00a0 Bored.\u00a0 Dissatisfied.\u00a0 What\u2019s that like in my body?\u00a0 Slight tension, slight discomfort.\u00a0 Hard to get a handle on.\u00a0 Not as clear as fear or depression.\u00a0 Frustrating.\u00a0 The discomfort tends to drive me to do something \u2014 even the computer solitaire which is how I noticed it on Sunday.\u00a0 I feel hateful, bad.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel loving.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t want to be bothered.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to have to be nice to someone.\u00a0 I want to be able to disappear into a murder mystery.\u00a0 Paying attention, I notice that there is some tightness in my breathing.\u00a0 There\u2019s actually quite a lot of tension.\u00a0 And the sores on my tongue which I\u2019ve had for several days now.\u00a0 It\u2019s possible that I\u2019m worried about seeing the doctor today, worried that he\u2019ll try to bully me into doing more than I want to.\u00a0 What is the need behind this feeling?\u00a0 Solitude?\u00a0 Be able to focus on my own needs?\u00a0 Put myself first?<\/p>\n
Feeling cranky, irritable, dry & thin.\u00a0 What\u2019s Jack Kornfield\u2019s acronym?\u00a0 RAIN: Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Non-identification.\u00a0 The last one is the hardest: of course this is me.\u00a0 I try to separate from the energy, see it as someone \u201cother\u201d, and up comes an image of one of the children in the book about the Montessori classroom: running around the room pushing over other people\u2019s projects.\u00a0 This is a child with a lot of energy who has not been allowed to express herself, to do things her own way.\u00a0 She wants to have friends, she wants to cooperate\/collaborate with other children on projects, she wants them to help her with HER project \u2014 but she doesn\u2019t know what that is, she\u2019s never been allowed to find out, and she doesn\u2019t have any skills for relationship.\u00a0 I wonder if this is the creative part of me, angry and bored because she hasn\u2019t had a chance to do anything creative in a long time?\u00a0 I did manage to cut some strips of cloth, take everything off the Moon Woman, and separate a piece of grapevine to wrap her body.\u00a0 I wonder if, instead of playing solitaire, I were to go upstairs, and start the \u201cpointillist\u201d work of dipping my fingers in the paint and making dots?<\/p>\n
With Karen I talked about how, on Sunday, I had recognized the tension and not allowed it to drive me into overwork and collapse.\u00a0 I think this is the first time I\u2019ve been able to be conscious of that energy instead of letting it drive me down the path of action and only waking up when I collapse.\u00a0 I was feeling it as a tension which I just couldn\u2019t relax down any further.\u00a0 I could refuse to let it drive me, but I couldn\u2019t make it go away.\u00a0 Karen made the nest and I sat down in the middle of the cushions.\u00a0 I enjoyed the resilience and softness of the pillows, pushing at them with hands and feet.\u00a0 Then I was able to relax.\u00a0 I did some stretching, reminding myself of the tension-relax technique.\u00a0 With Karen\u2019s support I was able to accept the tension and allow my body to negotiate \u2014 bits of relaxing with bits of tension.\u00a0 We also talked about how this time period involved re-negotiating my boundary, how I had made an absolute NO while I was in trouble: NO to requests for money and action, but now as I\u2019m feeling better I\u2019m more willing to start doing and giving again.\u00a0 But each one needs to be negotiated with that feeling inside that I\u2019m really beginning to pay attention to.<\/p>\n
RAIN\u00a0 The Wise Heart<\/a> p101<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Written in October 2008) Feeling cranky and irritable.\u00a0 I felt this way yesterday and Sunday too.\u00a0 Bored.\u00a0 Dissatisfied.\u00a0 What\u2019s that like in my body?\u00a0 Slight tension, slight discomfort.\u00a0 Hard to get a handle on.\u00a0 Not as clear as fear or … Continue reading