(Written in June 2008)
\nWoke sad.\u00a0 Raining hard.\u00a0 Yesterday I was typing up from the week after Laura\u2019s training, trying to describe the disconcerting feelings and being unable to.\u00a0 Karen helped a lot by telling me it was because my mind had no structures for accepting the new \u2014 previously forbidden \u2014 information.\u00a0 This past week I\u2019ve gone through another round of very odd feelings. The explanation which makes the most sense is that things are rearranging themselves deep inside.\u00a0 Whether these \u201cthings\u201d are mental data, or atoms and molecules, or energy patterns, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t need to know, I just need to accept the process.\u00a0 Unfortunately I seem to need some kind of understanding, some kind of mental construct, I\u2019m not able to just trust the process.\u00a0 I suppose that\u2019s because my earliest experiences taught me that I couldn\u2019t trust the Universe to bring me what I needed.\u00a0 Also, I need some kind of explanation to contradict the default position \u2014 which is so deep that I don\u2019t even know it\u2019s there \u2014 that it\u2019s my fault.\u00a0 One time in the past, when I was dealing with odd feelings, Guidance said they were old feelings being released and not to engage with them.\u00a0 That seems to be good advice.
\nYesterday I had a short period of profound grief \u2014 the dull heavy ache in the chest \u2014 I was afraid it was depression again.\u00a0 I went ahead and made lunch \u2014 and then typed journal for 20 minutes \u2014 which usually comforts me \u2014 and then went over to Neskaya to work on the Nia stuff.\u00a0 Which I was able to do and then I began to feel better.<\/p>\n
I also felt frustrated and angry, that I\u2019ve worked so hard on healing myself \u2014 got a short period of finding out what it felt like to be comfortable in my life \u2014 and then get hit with another round of baby trauma.\u00a0 It makes sense \u2014 I\u2019m stronger, and I have a better idea of what the damage was, what I lost \u2014 so of course a whole new layer of stuff comes up to be processed.\u00a0 But I\u2019m tired.\u00a0 I want to retire from my life, I want to settle down & work in leisurely fashion on projects that give me pleasure, and not do anything else.\u00a0 Not travel or try to expand my life in any way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Written in June 2008) Woke sad.\u00a0 Raining hard.\u00a0 Yesterday I was typing up from the week after Laura\u2019s training, trying to describe the disconcerting feelings and being unable to.\u00a0 Karen helped a lot by telling me it was because my … Continue reading