I think I must be in a pretty bad state of self-rejection.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself for being depressed again after the good session with Caryn.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself for not being able to use the success of the project \u2014 everyone had fun \u2014 to combat my sense of helpless failure.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself for not being able to think of something to do to bring me out of it.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself for just sitting here on the couch, hardly able to move.\u00a0 I just want to lie down and die.\u00a0 I wish I had someone to talk to who cares about me.\u00a0 That thought brings tears.\u00a0 May 2009<\/p>\n
Lynelle was very helpful.\u00a0 She reminded me that Caryn (my trauma therapist) leaving would be very hard for me because we have been doing such deep work.\u00a0 She also reminded me that growing up in a family that forced me to be an adult, to act like an adult when I didn\u2019t have the resources to be an adult, left me with the expectation that I can and should be able to do more than I can do.\u00a0 I have no realistic sense of my limits.\u00a0 This past year I have been forced to see how limited I am and how fragile, and how much support I need.\u00a0 But I continue to carry this expectation that I can do more than I can, and disappointment and anger at myself when I can\u2019t do it.\u00a0 No wonder I\u2019m depressed.\u00a0 Lynelle also said that with Caryn gone I need to treat myself with great gentleness.\u00a0 Being witnessed and understood and crying a lot helped enormously.\u00a0 My heart eased and I was able to feel fairly normal as I went on through the day.
\nIn the evening I felt very lost again.\u00a0 I can\u2019t do a lot of things I\u2019d like to be able to do because of my unhealed wounds, and I\u2019m working as hard as I can to heal them.\u00a0 But it\u2019s hard long painstaking work, that leaves me exhausted, and that depends on having a skilled guide, I can\u2019t do it by myself.\u00a0 And just surviving from day to day takes all the energy I\u2019ve got.\u00a0 I do have some support, but could use a lot more.\u00a0 Trying to do this work is against the flow of the culture, there\u2019s no help or understanding or validation out there.\u00a0 Most people really don\u2019t know what I\u2019m up against.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 June 2009<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think I must be in a pretty bad state of self-rejection.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself for being depressed again after the good session with Caryn.\u00a0 I\u2019m angry at myself for not being able to use the success of the … Continue reading